By Kaare Askildt
Formerly known as the Farmer in Training
The original English language was put together by Anglo-Saxons, and the Vikings contributed a few words over time, still in use today. Here is a sample story using 10 “Viking” words:
Ole was in court charged with murder. The scales of justice would decide his fate. It was around Yule time the previous year, when Ole, who is a heathen, peeked through a window in the house that Lars shared with Lena. Lars and Lena were happy and joyful while decorating their house for the celebration. Lars was Lena’s husband, and Ole was jealous as he was also in love with Lena. Ole tiptoed through the snow to the barn where he blundered about and stubbed his big toe on a wooden crate.
He lit a match to see what was in the crate, and when he accidentally dropped the burning match into the crate, he discovered that the crate contained some fireworks. The burning match lit the fuse on a rocket which ignited and flew aloft. Ole proceeded to ransack the barn, and in doing so he made a lot of noise.
Lars came out to investigate the commotion, and found Ole waiting for him with an old single-shot duelling pistol, a relic that Lars had kept in the barn because Lena didn’t want guns in the house. Ole pointed the gun at Lars in jest, thinking that an old gun like that would surely not be loaded. It was! Which Ole found out when he pulled the trigger. The lead bullet hit Lars in the heart and he was dead before he hit the floor. It was like bringing an animal to slaughter. Ole was sentenced to life behind bars.
(The English language is always evolving, and the continuation of the story is written with English language words that only exist in North America.)
With the death of Lars, Lena actually became a widow, but preferred to be called a bachelorette which had now become normalcy to her. She contacted a security company and had them install alarm sensors throughout her house and the barn. She wanted to make sure that she would not be burglarized. Lena drove Lars’ Ford truck on the beltway on her way to town. The truck was an automatic, but if Lena had her druthers she would have preferred a stick shift. She stopped in at the local Tim Hortons coffee shop, and ordered a bear claw to go, along with her double-double shot of java. After shopping she hurried home to broil some meat for lunch. Then she went out to the barn, and set about repairing the cleats on the backhoe, to make sure that it would not slide while she excavated a grave to bury Lars.
(Many of today’s popular English language phrases are owed to Shakespeare. Here is a selection of the bard’s phrases for the improvement of this story).
Lena had a heart of gold, but she could not stand the company of Knut, Lars’ brother, so she sent him packing. Knut had tried a “knock, knock who’s there” joke, but Lena didn’t like that. She threatened to make Knut the laughing stock of the town, so Knut decided to vanish into thin air. Good riddance thought Lena.
A green-eyed monster that was a sorry sight came into Lena’s bedroom one night and scared her so bad it made her hair stand on end. When asked the next day how she felt, she answered so-so, because she had not slept a wink the rest of the night. She had seen better days. Being around Lena is not for the faint hearted. She always fought fire with fire, and when she is in the mood to tell you the naked truth, it is best to lie low.
Someone inquired about Lars one day, and she told him that Lars is dead as a doornail, and she is facing a brave new world all by herself. To break the ice she came to the local dance wearing her heart on her sleeve. The other people were waiting with baited breath to see how she would react to Knut being there, thinking come what may. Lena thought that this turned fair play into foul play and she got so mad that it set her teeth on edge. She yelled: the game is up! Off with his head! Knut, knowing he was in a pickle, breathed his last and uttered “For goodness sake, Lena! What’s done is done!
(I’ll misuse some strange English words to round out the story)
Lena was a known crudivore (someone who eats raw food) and could be quite cantankerous (grumpy) at times. She was flummoxed (bewildered) by the word fartlek (speed play), as she thought it was a game of passing gas, whereas it is part of a road runner’s training regimen. When told about the meaning of the word, she immediately included it on her gobbledygook (nonsensical language) list!
Her new suitor Olaf was a bit of a klutz (clumsy person) that more often than not ended up in a kerfuffle (a mild scandal). But sometimes he created a doozy (something really good), just to make sure that people became discombobulated (confused). Lena thought that Olaf’s cousin Svenn was anencephalous (brainless) as he was a magnet for a brouhaha (uproar). When Olaf had borborygmus (stomach rumbling), Lena would lickety-split (quickly) make supper, as she would have no time to lollygag (dawdle).
Lena and Olaf would embrace and canoodle (hugging and kissing) after supper. Olaf would often turn to skulduggery (deception) and shenanigans (silly behaviour) and be very rambunctious (exuberant), which would usually end in a pratfall (falling on his rear end). However, Lena would always mollycoddle (treat with leniency) and forgive him! And so ends this mixed up story!
