You can’t have the sweet without the sour, the high without the low, the John Belushi without the Jim Belushi. There were plenty of great movies in 2017. Films that made you think, made you laugh, or made you cry.
But then there were the other movies. The movies that didn’t give, but took. They took your time, your happiness, and your sanity. They didn’t make you feel anything but cold, blistering rage. These were the worst films of 2017.
I had a bumper-crop of garbage movies to put on this list. I suffered through unfunny comedies, disastrous disaster flicks, and shallow art films. Now it’s time for my revenge. Let’s swing at these low-hanging fruit and cleanse our palates as we step into 2018.
5. The Mummy.
Not every franchise needs to mimic the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The Mummy, Universal Studios’ abysmal attempt to create a shared film universe, is proof we should thank our lucky stars the MCU is so consistently good. This cynical romp through dreary sets, ugly CGI, and an unengaging plot made me long for another Brendan Fraser-led flick. The Mummy wasn’t a movie; it was a chore.
4. Personal Shopper.
Did anybody see this film? Did I just hallucinate it? No, that couldn’t be; I’ve had dreams that were less pointless and meandering than this self-satisfied bore. Maybe I shouldn’t pick on such a low-budget, personal film (concerning a woman who sees ghosts), but it wasted my time, so I don’t have much sympathy. This lifeless dreck gives a bad name to “art films.” The camerwork is lazy and the story is beyond predictable and trite. If your pretentious film-nerd friend recommends it to you, run far away.
3. Geostorm.
Gerard Butler is the luckiest man in Hollywood. How someone with so little talent is allowed to make such awful movies over and over again is a true mystery. His latest schlockfest, Geostorm, might be his worst flick yet. Atrocious acting merged with hideous CGI to create a perfect storm of garbage cinema. Apparently this movie was made two years ago, but the studio put it on the shelf. It should have stayed there.
2. A Bad Moms Christmas.
What a lump of coal. A comedy without a single laugh, Bad Moms Christmas embodies everything wrong with modern moviemaking. Uninspired camerwork? Check. A script crammed with more pop-culture references and curses than actual jokes? Check. Actors phoning in their performances? That’s a big check. Let’s just hope there isn’t A Bad Moms Easter in our futures.
1. Baywatch.
Who doesn’t love the Rock? He’s charismatic, funny, and likeable. But he pushed his public goodwill to the breaking point this year with Baywatch. A disaster in every sense of the word, Baywatch is the most contemptible movie of 2017. It so desperately wanted to be 21 Jump St, but it just wound up being Bad Boys 3: Surf and Turf. Baywatch was so clearly ashamed of its source material that is spent more time trying to look cool than actually tell jokes. A disgusting waste of time that leaves the viewer empty and angry, Baywatch typifies everything bad about 2017.
