Single fathers shouldn't fall by the wayside

By Melanie Jacob
Journal Staff Writer


They may not always be the best at styling a little girl's hair, but single fathers everywhere should be recognized on Father's Day for the hard work they do alone.


Every year, Mother's Day is greeted with a lot of fanfare and commercialization. Everyone recognizes and celebrates the priority juggling and family raising mothers do, but what about the fathers? Single fathers in particular have to do the same job, but with seemingly less appreciation.


"You'd like to see equality, but I don't know," said Shaun Howdle, a single father. "Maybe fathers just aren't as concerned with it."


Howdle may not be the stereotypical version of a single parent since he shares custody of his two kids with his ex-wife, but he does the parenting work on his own like one. According to him, it can be even harder for single dads in some ways because the legal system hasn't quite caught up to their situation.


"I was more surprised to see how SaskHealth and the Canada Revenue Agency view single parent households," said Howdle. "The way the tax law is currently written, it was probably written back in the '60s or '70s because it was skewed to (single mothers). The tax laws haven't caught up with shared parenting and co-parenting."


For example, the Saskatchewan government only issues one health card per person and so they automatically issue it to the mother. For Howdle, it caused quite a few problems when he first began his share of single parenting.


"I have to carry around expired health cards when taking my kids to the doctor," he said. "I've been questioned many times by hospitals or medical clinics."


It's more than just legalities, too. Due to differing social views, men are unable to perform the same tasks as women without it being viewed with a different connotation.


"You just can't do the same kinds of things that you would see a mother do with her son," said Howdle. "You can't go into the bathroom with your daughter you get looks when you're on the playground with the kids. You wonder what people are thinking."


According to Howdle, there have been other dads that have expressed to him the judging looks they get my other mothers. Unfortunately, that's a reality that's unlikely to change due to the necessary precaution all individuals in public have to watch out for.


Still, it's more than just being wary of seeing a man with kids. There's an underlying stereotype that men are just plain incapable or helpless when raising kids.


"The media plays it up, that dad can't pour a bowl of cereal I cook, I clean, I work a full-time job and still help with the kids," said Howdle. "Dads are looked at like bumbling idiots. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is. Advertising plays to the masses."


Howdle isn't the only one proving this stereotype wrong. Mike Lemky has been raising four kids on his own for quite some time as well.


"One of the biggest challenges, especially with a daughter, is trying to figure out what they're going through and dealing with on a daily basis," said Lemky. "Dads have to be more emotionally in tune; they aren't wired the same as moms. You have to keep that in mind when you have kids in the house. You have to be more sensitive."


Unlike Howdle, who has his kids every other week, Lemky has sole custody as well as a full-time and part-time job. Between his jobs and his kids, he has to do quite a lot of juggling.


"It can be a real challenge because all four want to be in different places at different times," said Lemky. "It can be hard to balance what you need with what the kids need. It hasn't been easy by any means, but I'm not going to complain about it."


Despite Lemky's situation, Howdle says dads rarely have the advantage, or even equal consideration, when it comes to custody in court. Unless a woman commits a crime or abandons her children, primary custody usually defaults to the mother.


"By far the majority of single dads that I've talked to say they feel that going into court, discussions, or negotiations, they start from a position of submissiveness, like they're in a hold already," said Howdle. "I would like to see dads push more for shared custody and realize they can be more involved and don't have to give up that time. They're every bit as worthy and every bit as needed in the lives of kids."


Howdle says that changes can begin by changing the perspective in the courts. Whenever a separation does occur, family court should look at it and start with shared custody as the ideal solution instead of defaulting to the mother for primary custody.


"Society's view is that mom's the glue that holds everything together; making sure homework is done, supper is taken care of, and dishes are done," said Howdle. "Obviously, that's not the case in a single parent home. Dads do the same job and they do a great job of it."


Regardless, Howdle says there were definitely a few things that took some getting used to. Dads may be capable when it comes to keeping the house running, but even they can be intimidated when facing the notorious preteen girl.


"During sleepover parties with the girls there would be a house-load of preteens. It gets loud and there's makeup everywhere and One Direction is blaring over the radio," said Howdle. "Doing hair, that was always a challenge, too. Luckily, my daughter is getting older and I've got my little guy now so there's far less to concern myself with."


It's a daunting reality any single father raising girls on his own has to deal with and yet it's one Howdle and Lemky seemed to have learned how to handle.


"I've gotten to know my children much better and have a much closer relationship since the divorce," said Howdle. "Life has its own difficulties, but it's much better this way."


"I actually love it. It's a whole new level to your relationship with your kids," said Lemky. "It's very fulfilling. I don't think I'd be the person I was if I didn't have to do this on my own."
Therefore, on June 15, fathers everywhere, single or not, should be equally appreciated for their contributions to raising their kids.