A few days ago an amateurish scammer picked me for a target. The email message originated from a source which called itself SaskTel Web Support Group. These were the words:
"Dear SaskTel Email User: Someone recently tried to sign in to yourSaskTel Email Account. We prevented the sign-in attempt in case this was a hijacker trying to access your account. If you do not recognize this sign-in attempt, someone else might be trying to access your account. Enter your username and password and full names immediately. Sincerely, Sasktel Webmail Team."
I thought it appropriate to let SaskTel know somebody was taking their corporate name in vain. In attempting to connect with a human being who was authorized to listen to me, I hopped from button to button like a bullfrog dancing on lily pads, heard innumerable assurances of what an important fellow I was, and listened to a vast library of mood music. Finally, I gave up. It occurred to me then that I needed to find a way of preventing scammers from targeting me repeatedly.
The solution came in a flash of inspiration when a telemarketer with an accent and intonation which belongs in a land far away, called and asked to speak with the owner of my business.
I replied, "I Metro Kapoosta. I help Big Boss. He busy. You wait to talk. I put you on hold. Music machine broke. I sing you a song."
I then launched into an off-tune and off-colour version of that immortal ditty which begins with Ochi Chornia is on the phornia from Amazornia. She wants some mornia ... There are many verses in this song and the caller was not prepared to listen to all of them. When he interrupted my caterwauling, I told him the Big Boss wanted to do business but first needed to know his name, mailing and email addresses, username, password and both credit card and bank account numbers. I don't expect him to call again.
I have since prepared a file that asks for the same information and can be pasted into replies to pirates who attack by email.
Anybody who wants to use my brilliant method is welcome to do so. SaskTel can show you how to keep a caller on hold forever and ever.
Modern communication is not an unmixed blessing. I don't want to have tweets from people I don't know who don't know that people they don't know aren't interested in knowing how often they wash their socks. Sometimes I think I would like to live in the woods in a cabin with no telephone. Now I hear the next technological marvel is to be a smart phone/watch. This isn't really a new idea. Rock-jawed Dick Tracy of the comic strips had a wrist watch radio over 70 years ago. He used it to communicate with his sweetheart, Tess Trueheart. Those were the days.
I won't buy a phone in a wrist watch. The dial would have to be as big as a dinner plate before I could see anything.
