Dear Editor
I believe we are in desperate need of having two levels of psychiatric inpatient care across the province. When there is only one level of care, both voluntary and involuntary patients are housed together.
In level one care I have been exposed to some shocking and overwhelming things. I believe that if there had been two levels of care accessible to me when I needed it, I would never have reached involuntary status. If I knew that there was another unit I could have been admitted to, I would have gone to the hospital much sooner than I did.
I want to be clear that although I write about restraints being shocking, they are absolutely necessary. I have a great deal of respect for both psychiatric nurses and care aides. In one moment, they are ethically restraining one patient and then are asking how another patient is doing with compassion in the next. I have a lot of respect for the doctors, nurses and care aides who work within psychiatric units.
Living with the stigma attached to mental illness, which has told me that I should be ashamed and at fault for having an illness, has not been easy. Stigma makes it difficult for anyone to share their story, no matter what field you work in.
At this point I am not ready to go in front of a camera. However, I am choosing to share a piece of creative writing under the pen name of Alice Falling.
We Need Two Levels of Care
As I write this in a psychiatric unit,
I’m fighting feelings of deep shame.
I came in with dark depression,
but now this place is driving me insane.
Trying to keep it all together,
I have been curled up into a ball,
The last thing I need is to hear two men yelling,
as security takes them down in the hall.
I want to get out of here and
hop this barbed wire fence,
But I know they would chase me down,
and charge me with an offence.
I was assaulted by a male patient in this very unit
way back in ’09.
I give true thanks that at least by now our security guard can tell me that it’s all fine.
I’m recently in recovery from an addiction to alcohol and drugs,
But it’s harder to be sober in here with all the yelling, and the lack of hugs!
For a woman with anxiety to sit between two men,
both wearing a restraint,
Taking a benzo could affect my recovery,
though I feel like I could faint.
It gives me the chills to see a nurse walk by with one hand on a needle, and another on a restraint.
I want to demonize other patients, but I know that in my own illness, I have not been a saint.
Is this supposed to be a deterrent, so I do not want to come back?
Well it is working!! I’m literally counting down
the hours, until I am able to pack!
Trying to be mindful in here in a place
that I just don’t want to be,
But it’s something we all need to learn in life,
when we do not feel free.
I want to live beyond these walls never to return.
I’d prefer a gender-specific treatment centre,
if I started to crash and burn.
I believe we are in desperate need of having two levels of inpatient care.
My depression would have never gotten this dark,
this whole thing just really isn’t fair.
If there were two levels, I wouldn’t have reached
the status of involuntary.
We would’ve caught it before things got too dark, and prevented my family from getting weary.
As I write this in a psychiatric unit,
I’m fighting feelings of deep shame.
I came in with dark depression,
but now this place is driving me insane.
Alice Falling
