Men of my age usually enjoy sitting in an easy chair in front of a TV set to watch hockey and football players being carried out of their games on stretchers. These are contact sports I no longer watch. Instead, I turn to the most exciting blood sport in the world – the selecting of candidates for the upcoming U.S. presidential election. I suspect few honest, kind, hardworking Canadians understand the complexities of the political contest that is taking place below our southern border. I hasten to elucidate.
When the first white citizens of what became the United States of America threw off the shackles of British Colonialism, their allies were the French, who had been competing with the British for world supremacy for hundreds of years. The Americans thought the French were such nice people they copied the French system of government. American wise men rejected efficient, uncomplicated parliamentary government for a constitutional government in which the powers of the executive, legislative and judicial branches were strictly defined. They put their country into a political straitjacket by devising a system in which president and congress can be in constant clashes, with the supreme court acting as the competent or incompetent referee. It is a recipe for gridlock.
The United States is the largest part of the English-speaking world, but it is not like any other part of the English-speaking world. For example, the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia and New Zealand are all parliamentary democracies that provide universal health care and don’t let their citizens have unrestricted use of lethal weapons. We Canadians have two official languages, which means our politicians need to exercise their brains in the study of both English and French. Down south, there is only one official language and politicians don’t have to exercise their brains at all. The ceremonial head of state in Canada is the Queen of England. A good queen can last for donkey’s years, but the American head of state is the president, who can serve for a maximum of only four years, if he isn’t assassinated sooner.
American politicians have three holy documents — the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the Christian Bible. We are not so holy in Canada. Nobody running for the highest office in the land has to prove that he goes to church every Sunday and prays every night.
The political landscape south of the border fascinates me. I think I should write a very funny work of fiction based on the American political sideshow. (Every columnist wants to write a book.) I could start with Lee Bidoux, born in Nova Scotia to an American citizen of Mexican extraction and a Canadian lobster fisherman. While young he displays a charm that makes females of all ages, shapes and sizes want to pick him up and cuddle him. As he grows up, he comes under the tutelage of a mystic known as The Fundy Mentalist.
He then goes to seek his fortune in what is purported to be the Greatest Nation on Earth. He joins the Republican Party and makes himself known. Droves of females drool over him. He then purchases a Bible, attends church every Sunday and makes an obligatory trip to Israel. He then equips himself with an arsenal of firearms and begins to hunt trophy animals. Closer to home, he is well armed when walking in the woods in case he encounters a wild pig, godless socialist or sinful abortionist. The Republicans make him their choice for president. The rest of the story would be funny stuff about how the dastardly Democrats attempt to deny him his rightful place in the White House.
I will not write this epic until the real presidential election is over. What happens down there affects us up here. When there is a new president, Canadians may find no reasons for laughter.
