Dating violence not acceptable

Tony* and Emily* have been dating for a few weeks and he is beginning to act as if he owns her. He complains when she spends time with anyone except him. He expects her to meet him in the halls between classes, eat lunch with him, and to be with him after school and on weekends. Afraid she'll lose him, Emily begins to cut herself off from her friends.

Alfredo* and Maria* have been in a relationship for a couple of months. Maria has been clear that she doesn't want to go any further than kissing. One night, Alfredo becomes aggressive, disregarding her request to slow down and back off. He forces her to have intercourse, later telling her she was a tease and asking for it. (Pulled from Partners in Program Planning in Adolescent Health article 'Love Doesn't Have to Hurt Teens') (*Names are fictional).

Dating violence refers to abuse or mistreatment that occurs between "dating partners", individuals who are having - or may be moving towards - an intimate relationship. (http://www.justice.gc.ca) Dating violence hurts any relationship, regardless of age, gender, race or financial stability. No one should experience violence in a relationship, whether in a new relationship or long-term one.

TYPES OF DATING VIOLENCE ABUSE

Violence in a 'dating relationship' can be physical, emotional, and/or sexual. By understanding what these acts of violence mean will help empower you if you experience abuse.

Physical abuse is the use of physical force or threatening to use physical force towards yourself or someone you care about.

Emotional abuse consists of actions, statements, gestures, or behaviours, which attack one's self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Emotional abuse is as real as physical or sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse happens when you are forced to engage in ANY sexual act or behaviour against your will. Even in a consensual relationship, FORCED sexual relations are acts of violence and are illegal. Many people are still very unaware of this fact. All too often, in a dating relationship, a victim will not come forward and report an act of forced sexual relations because they believe they 'owed' the perpetrator.

POTENTIAL WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE:

There are many possible warnings signs of abuse. These can include:

having thoughts or feelings of being afraid of your partner most of the time

you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner

believe you deserve to be hurt or mistreated

If your partner:

humiliates or yells at you

physically threatens or hurts you

treats you as property or a sex object, rather than a person

has an unpredictable temper

forces you to have sex

controls your every moment and all your other relationships

limits your access to money, a phone or a car

CONSEQUENCES OF DATING VIOLENCE

Dating violence may harm victims physically, sexually or psychologically, and the consequences may affect the rest of their lives. Dating violence may damage an individual's self-esteem, confidence and sense of safety. Those who experience dating violence are at higher risk for experiencing further violence in future relationships.

Research indicates that there is an association with increased risk of substance use, weight control issues, sexual risk behaviours, and suicidal behaviour in young women and men who experience violence in a dating relationship.

Families also experience the consequences of dating violence when family members are harmed. Similarly, communities are affected when violence is normalized, and individuals who have been victimized no longer have the capacity to participate fully or make a positive contribution to community life. (Information obtained from http://www.justice.gc.ca)

It is Still Abuse if

The incidents of abuse seem 'minor' compared to those you have read, seen or heard about. There is never a *better* or *worse* form of abuse.

There has only been one or two incidents (so far). Studies show that if there is abuse once, it will likely continue and get worse.

The abuse stopped when you became passive or submissive.

Dating violence can occur in any type of relationship. It can take place at any point in the dating relationship. Abusers will use a number of different tactics to try and maintain the control. They will also use many excuses for their behavior - they minimize the abuse, deny the abuse occurred, blame the victim, isolate the victim, or question the victim's state of mind.

In order to recognizing the *signs* of Dating Violence you will need to be objective in evaluating your relationship or be willing to accept other people's observations.

Trust in your senses ­ that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Trust your feelings - do not ignore uncomfortable feelings.

Accept responsibility for who you are and what you want in your life.

Look for support from friends and family or a support group.

Do not change for someone else unless you want to, making you a stronger person.

Look at all aspects of the relationship any behaviour whether it is physical, emotional or sexual that involves coercion fits the parameters of dating violence.

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Talk to someone you trust - a parent, counsellor, friend, clergy, teacher, co-worker. There is no limit to the people you can talk to.

Outside resources include:

RCMP - City or Rural Detachment

Shelwin House - Yorkton

Victim Services

Society for the Involvement of Good Neighbours - Yorkton

Local Tribal Council



IT SHOULDN'T HURT TO BE IN LOVE!

For more information on Dating Violence contact:
Sherise Fountain
Child Protection Case Assistant - Ministry of Social Services
South Service Area - Yorkton
Phone: (306)786-1300
Email: [email protected]
Melinda Davis
Shelwin House Outreach Worker
Phone: (306) 782-5181
Email: [email protected]