The lightbulb is in the fridge for night snacking, right?
I stepped out of the shower the other morning, oto the scale, and after seeing the reading I decided that something has to be done! Then I looked at myself in the full length mirror, and saw that my love handles had become love brackets! I became determined to fix that.
On our next trip to the city we went to Wal-Mart, and without my wife’s knowledge I bought a new bathroom scale, one where you can program in a desired number before you step on the scale! Then searching around in the store I found a full length magic mirror, you know one of those that distort your image. I smuggled them out to the truck and put them in the truck bed.
I couldn’t wait to get home and sneak the scale and mirror into the house. I got the stuff upstairs to our bathroom and set about to replace the scale which I had now pre-programmed with a nice number, and took the other mirror down and mounted my new mirror. The next morning after my shower I stepped on the scale and was very pleased with the weight displayed on the readout. Then I stood in front of my new mirror and flexed my biceps. Man what a difference! My body looked the same as, well close to, that of Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator! The love brackets had disappeared and had been replaced with a pair of barely visible love handles! Then I turned sideways and saw that my extended stomach had now shrunk considerably, in fact totally gone! I turned face on to the mirror again, looked myself squarely in my own eyes and said in perfect imitation of the Terminator: “I’ll be bakk!”
I was so pleased with myself that I called my wife to show her. She was not happy; in fact I think she got a bit angry with me, as she said something about wasting our money on something so stupid! She made me pack it all back in the original packaging and take it back to Wal-Mart. It didn’t matter how much I pleaded with her!
“Act your age!” she said.
“Really!” I thought. I remember when I was a young whipper snapper, men at the age that I am now would sit in their recliners, with hearing horns in one ear, squinting over their eye glasses, gnarled hands on their canes, and with their mouths half open, leering at young women. When a young chap would walk by, they would bang their canes on the floor and give him the evil eye! What fun is that! So now I’m forced back to the conventional method of dieting and exercising, attempting to lose some more weight. I no longer disgust myself by looking at my image in the full length mirror! Uffda!
My older brother back in Norway related the following story to me recently. A young Norwegian athlete from Drammen was attempting to snowshoe from Rjukan to Gaustatoppen in the Telemark region of Norway to impress his fiancée. The young man was a devout Lutheran who was brought up to believe that God ruled heaven and that the devil tended to the fiery hot hell. He set out on his trek on a very cold January day with his backpack. He was doing fine the first week, but soon realized that it was going to take longer than he had expected. After a week he was starving as he had run out of provisions. Then he got caught in a sudden blizzard where the temperature dropped to minus 40 Celsius.
The blizzard had come on so fast that he didn’t have time to dig himself a snow cave, so he just sat down and tried to keep himself warm and alive. He was sure he was about to freeze to death, but he wasn’t sure who he was going to meet, God Himself or the devil. He passed out curled up in the snow. The blizzard let off, and a musher out exercising his dogs found the unconscious adventurer, loaded him up on the sleigh and hauled him to the Gaustatoppen Turisthytte (tourist cabin). There the musher put him on the floor in front of a roaring fireplace to warm him up. The young man warmed up slowly and as he regained consciousness he thought he was dead. When he opened his eyes and looked straight into the roaring fire, he was sure that he had died and ended up in hell. The musher saw him stirring and gently touched his shoulder and asked him if he should move him closer to the fire. “No, No! Thank you kind devil!” he cried, “I’m just fine where I am!”
His fiancée was terribly overweight and wanted to lose some weight before the wedding. She went to see her doctor to seek his advice. After examining her, the doctor told her that the diet that would work the best for her would be to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. “When I see you after two weeks,” he said, “you should have lost at least five pounds."
When she returned after two weeks, she was tired and had lost nearly 30 pounds. "Wow, that's amazing!" said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"
She nodded and said, "Well, let me tell you though; every third day nearly killed me!" "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
