I was recently approached by a local TV station for an interview. The interviewer was a slick looking individual with an overbearing attitude, reminding me of a used car salesman I once had the displeasure of dealing with. The following is how the interview proceeded:
Interviewer: “Good Morning, my name is John Smith, you can call me John and I’ll be asking you some questions: how are you this morning Mr. Askildt?”
Me: “ I’m great; John is it? Like the toilet? Is your middle name Biffy?”
John smiling (he has to, he’s on TV): “You have an interesting first name, how do you pronounce that?”
Me: “It’s pronounced like“Core-eh!”
John: “Interesting! That is indeed an unusual name!”
Me: “Not my choice of name, but you may call me Corey.”
John: “Not your choice? What would have been your choice for a first name?
Me: “It would have been Kjell but that name was taken; they gave it to my twin brother who I pushed out of the womb just ahead of me. Being that he was older he was named first. But he and I were always on first name basis! The name Kjell is pronounced like Chelsea without the sea, and means “protector,” and Kaare means “bent.” So I guess our parents wanted my brother to protect me, as I’m slightly bent!”
John: “You seem to have a humorous side, but please answer all my questions seriously. I understand you have become an author now that you have retired?”
Me: “Seriously!”
John: “Seriously, as in that’s correct?”
Me: “Seriously!”
John: “Why do you answer me like that?”
Me: “Seriously!”
John, not looking amused: “That’s your answer? Seriously?”
Me: “Well, you told me to answer all your questions seriously, so I did!”
John: “Okay, what I meant was to give me a serious answer!”
Me: “Oh, okay!”
John: “So, what did you do when you retired from the insurance industry?”
Me: “I tried farming first, which prompted me to become a writer.”
John: “Why did that make you become a writer?”
Me: “I wanted to share my follies with others and to make them laugh at my feeble attempt at becoming a farmer. I had to embellish a little to make the funny stories even funnier.”
John: “What’s your favourite book?”
Me: “The Heedless Norseman!”
John: “Why that book?”
Me: “Because it is funny!”
John: “How did you find it funny?”
Me: “First I wrote it, then I read it and then I laughed!”
John: “Just to get to know you better, what’s your favourite movie?”
Me: “Blazing Saddles, especially the bean eating fart scene!”
John: “Hmm! Do you have a favourite quote?”
Me: “Yep! My grandson Connor once said, “Hey grampa! You think you’re smart? Come on over and help me with my homework!”
John: What’s your favourite animal?
Me: “Beside our dog Lady and our horse Spur, I would say hyena ’cause they laugh a lot!”
John: “What’s your favourite food?”
Me being politically correct: “Whatever my wife cooks, except Kraft dinner!”
John: “Why don’t you like Kraft dinner?”
Me: “Mr. Kraft was originally from Canada, but moved to Chicago where he built his cheesy business. He developed Kraft dinner during the depression in 1930, and the one and only time I ate Kraft dinner I got very depressed thinking, ‘Is this what the world has come to? Macaroni with powdered cheese? What happened to a T-bone steak, baked potato and a glass of red wine?’”
John: “Why did you become a farmer?”
Me: “We wanted to raise our own T-bone steaks, pork chops, bacon, leg of lamb, roasted chickens and omelettes, and grow the greens to go with them.”
John: “How did that work out for you?”
Me: “Just great! We were constantly broke due to feed costs. It would have been cheaper to buy the meat, veggies and eggs in the store!”
John: “Is that true?”
Me: “No, not really! But as farmers we did find out that buying high and selling low, was not conducive to amassing any wealth!”
John: “Oh, I see. Well then from now on please answer all my questions honestly. Were you really inept as a farmer?”
Me: “Honestly!”
John grimacing: “Here we go again! I meant for you to give me an honest answer!”
Me: “So let me get this straight in my mind. You want seriousness and honesty?”
John: “Yes! That’s it!”
Me: “Well, then I seriously state with honesty that I was as good at farming as you are at conducting this interview!”
I have to be honest, the above interview never happened! I was bored and the idea just appeared in my warped mind! It would have been fun though!
Ole's truck stalled on a country road one morning. Ole popped the hood, got out and climbed up on the bumper to take look, and while checking the belts a cow came sauntering by and stopped beside him. The cow peered under the hood, licked her nostrils with her tongue and said, "Your problem is probably with the injectors," emphasizing her statement by swishing her tail.
Ole got startled, jumped off and ran down the road until he met the farmer. Ole was amazed at what he had just experienced and told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a white spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," replied Ole. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to old Bessie," said the farmer. "She’s an old time carburetor gal and doesn't know the first thing about fuel injectors!"
