Yep! That’s me, a back-seat driver. It has taken many years for me to become a back-seat driver.
I’ve earned the title by default. Our family physician (what the hell does she know) completed a questionnaire issued by SGI, the provincial insurer and driver license issuer, and poof, there went my license, temporarily suspended pending updated medical information. Just like that.
I’m now relegated to offer “prudent” driving advice to Marion.
In all fairness, she’s a good driver, and I catch some snooze time occasionally when she’s driving.
But when I’m awake, I have been known to cover my eyes, grimace, hold my breath and roll my eyes, followed by a snicker. But she usually ignores these antics, telling me to grow up.
The urban dictionary defines a back-seat driver as a person who offers the driver unsolicited advice or criticism. That’s me. I’m not sitting in the back seat giving my advice. No! I’m right up front in the passenger seat. My real duty is to be the navigator, as we do not have a GPS. That by itself is hilarious.
I Google our destination before we leave home, print out the map and directions, bring them along and then totally ignore them. It has at times created some tension between us, but for the most part we’ve had some good laughs about it.
It’s a good thing that Marion is now the driver, because when I was driving, she complained that sometimes I was snoring so loudly that it scared her.
One time when I was driving, I had our little granddaughter Casey with me, strapped in the child seat behind me. Driving through our small town of Wilkie, the driver ahead of me braked suddenly. I stomped on the brake, causing a sudden forward motion for both me and Casey.
“Honey!” hollered Casey.
“Why do you say that Casey?” I asked.
“Because that’s what gramma says when you stop sudden like that.”
We have to be careful around Casey. She picks up what we adults do. Just recently she put both her hands on her hips, cocked her head to the side, looked at me and said in a sombre voice:
“Pappa! You eat your cherries and leave my treats alone.”
Grandchildren are a delight, aren’t they?
I heard tell of another senior driver, who also had a medical problem. Anne was sitting outside in a lawn chair enjoying a mystery book, when 80-year-old Ole startled her by crashing his Ford through the hedge and coming to a rest right in front of her on the lawn. Ole was bug-eyed and shaking. Anne helped him out of the car and sat him down in another lawn chair.
“My oh my,” exclaimed Anne. “You are quite old to be driving.”
“Yes indeed,” said Ole. “I’m so old now that I don’t need a driver’s license anymore.”
“What?” asked Anne. “You mean you don’t have a valid driver’s license?”
“Nope,” said Ole. “The last time I went to see my doctor, he did a thorough examination, then he looked me in the eyes and asked if I still had a driver’s license. When I told him I still had one, he asked to see it, whereupon he took out the scissors and cut it up saying that I don’t need it anymore, so I thanked him and left.”
I suggested to Marion that I could do that as well, but she didn’t think it would be a good idea.
Captain Sven Hansen from the Norwegian army was pulling up to the gate of a secret camp in Canada. The sentry said:
“Please identify yourself, sir.”
Sven pulled out a mirror, looked at his image in the mirror and said:
“Ja shoor ja betcha! Dat’s me.”
The sentry shook his head and demanded his credentials.
Lena, a natural blond, was going to drive to the local shopping mall, but as soon as she sat in her car, she grabbed her cell phone, called the police and said:
“Some thieves have been in my car. They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel including that thingy that makes the funny ‘tic tic’ noise, the brake pedal is gone and they’ve even taken the gas pedal.”
And then she started to cry. The desk sergeant was about to assign the case to a couple of constables when the phone rang again. The sergeant recognized Lena’s voice as she said:
“Never mind, I’m sorry to have bothered you, but unfortunately I got in the back seat by mistake. Sorry!”
Lena started driving towards the shopping mall, and then suddenly, she started swerving from side to side. Knut was driving behind her, and thinking something was seriously wrong, he called the police on his hands-free cell phone, telling them about the car swerving from side to side. A patrol car pulled up along side of Lena, and made her pull over to the curb. Lena rolled down the window, smiled at the police officer and said:
“Oh officer, I’m so glad you’re here. I saw a tree on the road, and I swerved to miss it, then I saw another tree and I had to swerve again and avoided hitting it as well. Then all these trees just kept popping up in the street.”
The police officer looked at her, smiled and said:
“Ma’am, that’s your pine tree air freshener.”
Lena had to take another driver’s test and got eight out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear.
