The first time I heard the song it pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I know, that sounds like such a cliché, but I don’t know another way of describing it. The song was released months ago by singer/songwriter, Matthew West, but has become more meaningful to me in the last few weeks.
From the first line through to the last, it cuts through the façade that too many of us put on for others as we pretend that we are fine, no matter what is going on. The song is called “Truth Be Told” and begins with:
“Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you’re doing
Just smile and tell them, “Never better.’”
The verses describe how we try and keep our messes and wounds behind closed doors, and truth be told, when we’re asked how we are doing we say we are fine, when really that is far from the truth being told.
For the last several months the question ‘how are you’ has generally been met with laughter, sighs, concerns, or musings about how life has changed. But something shifted in January. I thought at first it was just me, until a series of unrelated yet very welcome conversations took place. None of the talks were with people I knew really well, but when the question was posed it lingered in the air longer than usual, and…surprisingly…was followed by an honest inventory. It included a parent who is tiring of being the family cheerleader. A business person who said a switch flipped in January and people are far more impatient than they had been previously. A grandparent who feels he can’t complain because he sees how others are struggling. He wants to talk—if someone would listen--without telling him he’s got it better than most. On it goes. Conversations with people who looked past the banal ‘how are you’ and wanted to respond in a way that mattered.
A survey of 2,000 people found that the average adult says “I’m fine” about 14 times per week yet 59% of us expect the answer to be a lie. Why isn’t the truth being told? One mental health expert explained that while most of us say we want people to be open with their feelings, we have little expectation that they will do more than cling to the script. It creates a sense that we are checking in and being supportive. We’re asking the right question—we just have low expectation that much will transpire.
It’s why the chorus to West’s song is so intentional in its emptiness.
“I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine, oh I’m fine,
But I’m not. I’m broken.”
He then pens a line as a challenge for all of us:
“I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it,
When being honest is the only way to fix it.”
Honesty. It comes down to being honest with one another. We need to give the question the time and attention it deserves and stop treating it as a throw-away query. We need to ask it like we mean it, and respond like it matters, because…it does.
Honesty needs to be the starting point; being honest with ourselves so we can be honest with others. We need a place to open up and let truth be told. So, let’s try and be that person for someone--so someone can be that person for us. It’s not about fixing issues, but rather fostering understanding. Not glossing over the problems but growing through the pain. Encouraging. Supporting. Accepting.
Maybe, just maybe, what could follow is an embrace of other uses of the word ‘fine’. How are you? Excellent, first rate, exceptional, splendid, superb, top notch or (my favorite word of the week) splendiferous, not because the situation has changed, but because we have people in our corner who now know the truth, and who are still there once the veil has been lifted.
It starts with ending the pretending. Never again wonder ‘what will people think’ but instead believe that people are craving connection with you and trust that others will hear what needs to be said. So let the truth be told. We promise to listen. That’s my outlook.
