Many of my friends had them. Mine was red, which made the pretty gold lock seem to stand out. They were 5-year diaries, meaning there were just a few lines to write things down each day. I guess the idea behind it was getting a quick glance at life one, two and more years ago. I didn’t know any friends who kept the diary going for more than a few months, but as 12-year-olds we must have felt it was meaningful stuff because we loved that all-important little lock, and the tiniest gold key attached by a small black loop.
One Friday night in June we had a sleepover at a friend’s house; a familiar occurrence since birthdays and end of year school activities had us spending even more time together than usual. We were good friends. Friends we trusted. That’s why I still wonder about an incident that occurred that evening. Whether it was over-familiarity or a form of bullying, I’ve never quite sorted out. Decades later it still comes to mind.
We were at Shannon’s house, this group of 12-year-old friends, hanging out and having fun, like we always did, until it was time to grab our sleeping bags and settle in for a night of giggly conversation. But as Shannon lifted the pillow off her bed it revealed her navy blue 5-year diary. Another friend grabbed it and said something like ‘anyone want to read all of her secrets?’
We assumed she was kidding, at least I was sure she was kidding, and waited for her to put the diary down, but she didn’t. The lock wasn’t fastened so she started paging through it and reading portions out loud. We were shocked. Shannon pleaded with her to stop and tried to retrieve it, but our other friend wouldn’t let her take it back. The rest of us sat there, surprised and confused by what was taking place. This was not the way our friend normally acted and maybe that’s what kept us from doing anything about the increasingly uncomfortable situation.
Shannon was getting more upset. Then the girl holding her diary told her if she was really our friend she wouldn’t make such a big deal about us reading it. It was an unfair statement to make, and certainly not something we concurred with. But we did nothing.
The diary contained comments about parents, teachers, and the boys in our class. Private thoughts. Words Shannon had put to the page that were meant for her alone. When tears poured down her cheeks it seemed to wake us all up. This was wrong. The other friend put the diary down and told Shannon she was sorry. She said she didn’t know why she had done that.
The party continued, although something now felt different. We had done something hurtful to a friend and it left scars on her, and on the group, even if we didn’t fully understand our part in it at the time.
Anti-bullying efforts have been in place in schools, workplaces, locker rooms and offices for decades yet Bullying Canada makes a sobering statement: Many children have a good idea of what bullying is because they see it every day. Despite the momentous efforts, the dollars spent and the years and years of good intent behind prevention, bullying is on the rise. An act occurs once every seven minutes on a playground and every 25 minutes in a classroom. One in five Canadian adults say they have been cyberbullied and 40% of workers report being bullied on a weekly basis. Canada has the 9th highest ratings of bullying amongst 13-year-olds. No question, the stats are discouraging. But there’s more to the story. Perhaps a reason to be hopeful.
Almost 67% of tweens have tried to help victims of bullying, and younger children are more likely to try and stop it than teens and older peers. Now it’s time for the rest of us to catch up to the kids.
All the legislation and measures mean little if we aren’t all willing to acknowledge what we do and say that is hurtful, harmful and wrong. How much better if we stop quibbling over the definition and simply call out our own behavior where we need to, and put a stop to it.
I may not have recognized it for what it was as a 12-year-old, but I sure should today. The best thing I can do now is be more like the group of brave, well-informed children who are not only smart enough to see it, but are willing to stand up against it. We need to do better than relying on rules, ordinances or even little gold locks to do the right thing. That’s my outlook.
