Benjamin Franklin once said, “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Perhaps, we should add a third item to his list to say: “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes and anger.’
Anger is perhaps the most incredibly damaging force, costing people their jobs, professional and personal relationships, and even family. Best friends lose great relationships because someone did or said something that caused irreparable hurt and anger. Blood relatives end up hating each other, sometimes for the duration of this short life. Is it wrong to get angry?
While this is a business column, I would like to reference one of the greatest writers on the subject, who said that it is okay to get angry but not to let our angry get carried away so that we end up doing deeply regrettable things. The Apostle Paul said: Be angry and sin not.
Everyone experiences anger at different times, or perhaps at the same time – like when societies experience great social upheavals. So, it is vital that we develop constructive responses to manage it effectively. What triggers your anger, more importantly what to do when you get angry?
When we can understand the underlying dynamics of anger – the fight or flight response – it will help us to understand the very nature of anger.
Anger is a natural, unavoidable, and instinctual reaction. The following are unhelpful ways of dealing with anger:
1. DON’T ignore the anger. Internal defense mechanisms are often used to ignore anger and includes laughing an issue off, distracting one’s self from the problem, and trivializing the trigger’s impact.
2. DON’T keep the anger inside. While some people do recognize that they’re angry, they choose to obsess about their anger in silence rather than express it. They can bear grudges for a long time. They are also likely to just ‘explode’ one day.
3. DON’T get aggressive. The right to vent your anger doesn’t extend to doing it in ways that can hurt others, yourself, and damage property. Aggression can be verbal or physical.
4. DON’T get passive-aggressive, which refers to indirect and underhanded means to get back at someone who made you angry. Examples of this behavior are gossiping, tardiness and backbiting.
5. DON’T use non-constructive communication styles. Avoid the use of indirect attacks and unproductive statements. These include blaming, labeling, preaching, moralizing, ordering, threats, interrogating, ridiculing and lecturing.
1. DO acknowledge that you are angry. Recognize that you are angry, and give yourself permission to feel it. It’s as simple as saying to yourself “I am angry”.
2. DO calm yourself before you say anything. Anger can feel. It helps then to defer any reactions until you have returned to normal/ adaptive phase of the anger cycle. Otherwise, you might end up saying or doing something that you’d later regret. Count 1 to 10!
3. DO speak up, when something is important to you. This is the opposite to ‘keeping it all in.’ If a matter is important to you, so much so that keeping silent would just result in physical and mental symptoms, then let it out.
4. DO explain how you’re feeling in a manner that shows you taking ownership and responsibility for your anger. This makes the anger within your control (you can’t control other people).
Anger is an emotion that comes unbidden and we often don’t have a choice whether we would be angry or not. What we can do however, is take control of our anger when it comes. You need to recognize warning signs, coping thoughts, relaxation techniques and ways to blow off steam.
You have to be aware of symptoms that your anger is about to build up, so that you can catch yourself early and take the necessary intervention.
Some warning signs of anger are very obvious; others very subtle. They differ from person to person.
Signs of anger can be physical, mental, emotional and behavioral.
Physical signs of anger include:
• rapid heart rate
• difficulty breathing
• headache
• stomachache
• sweating
• feeling hot in the face and neck
• shaking
Mental signs of anger include:
• difficulty concentrating
• obsessing on the situation
• thinking vengeful thoughts
• cynicism
Emotional signs of anger include:
• sadness
• irritability
• guilt
• resentment
• feeling like you need to hurt someone
• needing to be alone
• needing to isolate one’s self
• numbness
Behavioral signs of anger include:
• clenching of fist
• pounding of fist on a wall/ table or any surface
• pacing
• raising one’s voice
• any act of aggression/ passive-aggression
Once you realize that you are about to get angry, you can start calming yourself mentally.
1. Calm down first, and think this through.
2. This may not be as bad as it seems.
3. This is just one incident --- it doesn’t define my life.
4. I am capable of managing this situation.
5. It’s alright to be upset. / I have the right to be upset in this situation. / I am angry.
6. What needs to be done immediately? (damage control/ solution-focused mode).
7. Bad things/ Mistakes do happen/ Nothing says that things will go right all the time.
8. There is no need to feel threatened here.
9. I have no control over other people and their feelings. But I have control over myself.
10. I have managed anger successfully before and I will again.
I hope that this column may have provided help to someone reading today. We are always here to help each other on this journey!
May you enjoy another successful week!
