As I was writing my previous column about annoying Facebook habits, I realized that I didn’t even scratch the surface of everything that makes me grind my teeth a little bit. Sometimes I dream about deleting Facebook, but then I remember that A) I like complaining about this, and B) It’s a good way to keep in touch with friends across Canada. So for now, I can only complain fruitlessly. Here are more things that should disappear from Facebook:
Food pictures
Unless you made the food yourself (and even in that case I barely care) why does it matter what you’re eating? You did not prepare the food so it doesn’t show skill. All it shows is that you go out to restaurants. Big deal. You’re not a foodie just because you eat.
Humblebrags
This is a brag couched in self-deprecating language to make it seem like you’re not bragging. This is for when a person desperately wants to brag about something amazing in their life but still has a small shred of humility left. Unfortunately it’s not enough to stop the impulse altogether. Celebrities are especially good at this. Take for example, Lena Dunham: “Q: What felt better, winning a #SpiritAward or removing those Spanx? A: BOTH FELT AMAZING”). Humblebrags also include complaining about being hit on: (“Even with sweat pants and my hair in a bun, I still get honked at. Really?) and self-deprecating remarks like, “Still trying to figure out how they let this loser into Yale!” Shut up, no one is fooled. I would almost (almost) rather that they just own the brag, although that is, of course, annoying as well.
Vaguebooking
I consider vaguebooking my nemesis. Even if you don’t know the name, you recognize the type of status: it is specifically designed to get people to ask more.
“Wow, so over this day.”
“I have a big decision to make…”
“Come on, just three more days!”
In the most annoying of cases, someone will ask “What’s up?” and then the person will say, “I don’t want to talk about it.” So why did you make a status about it in the first place?
Happy/merry birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day/etc.
Facebook birthday greetings are accepted and expected – on a person’s wall. What I’m talking about is when a person makes a public status saying “Happy birthday to ________, who is the most wonderful, caring person I know!” The only motivation to do this publicly instead of on the person’s wall is either the poster wants everyone to know that they are the type of kind, generous person who remembers birthdays and has many friends. It’s likely that some people know both of you and will appreciate the sentiment, but it’s more likely that most people have no clue who you’re talking about and those do not care.
More annoying to me are when people address their relatives who don’t have Facebook, like people who wish their mothers a happy Mother’s Day and write a text block about how much they love their moms. We get it, you have a mom. Why not tell them in person how you feel? What’s the point if they don’t have you on Facebook? Also related: writing private messages on your husband/wife’s wall. You live together. Could you not tell your love in person that you love them or to wish them happy birthday? Or does it not count unless it’s online?
Thoughts on current events
This is stuff like “Sending good thoughts to people affected by ISIS!” and “The shooting in Ottawa today is terrible!” Yes, everyone thinks this. You are not special. Get back to me if you actually have something unique to say.
In my distant dreams, no one is annoying on Facebook and I get a good chuckle every time I check my newsfeed. But I assume it will stay only that – a dream.
