Psychic Norm is ready to make his predictions for 2011. We trust you're ready for this. Believe me, Psychic Norm's talents are much more refined than Decorator Norm or Mechanic Norm or Master Mathematician Norm's.
First prediction: The Saskatchewan Roughriders will begin the 2011 season slowly. Following their fifth loss in seven games, head coach Greg Marshall will be replaced by Gainer the Gopher and the Riders will immediately go on a six-game winning streak. Gainer will remain pantless.
Second prediction: Stevie Wonder, that Harper boy, will call an election in the spring. Nobody will know why, including him. He will be narrowly defeated at the polls by a six-party coalition but will be able to cling to power by declaring that he is invoking The Ivory Coast Option.
"If Laurent Gbagbo can do it, so can I," the Harper boy will say, citing the international precedent set by the Ivory Coast president who lost the election but simply refused to leave, claiming that it would be too confusing if he simply ceded power to the winner, Alassane Quattara.
"I ain't going Mikey," Harper will tell that Ignatieff kid.
Jack Layton will pout.
Prediction 2A - Ignatieff will get a job at WikiLeaks just so he can tell Harper "I know something you don't know."
Prediction 3A - The Harper boy appoints 37 more more senators to the Upper Chamber including Julien Assange, founder of WikiLeaks. He sends a crypted message across the floor of the Parliamentary assembly to Ignatieff which, when decoded, simply says "Gotchya, again."
Jack Layton and Michael Ignatieff will pout.
Third prediction: Laureen Harper will be appointed chief of the Privy Council, minister of state for foreign and other affairs and defence minister.
Fourth prediction: A provincial election scheduled for Saskatchewan in November will be cancelled with Premier Bradley Wall stating that there will be a poll taken rather than an actual election which will save taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars and a lot of time. "Popularity not practices are what counts," he will state.
Prediction 3A- Dwain Lingenfelter charges that Brad has just lucked out by playing a soft inter-conference schedule and what he really needs to do is move to Newfoundland and take on Danny Williams if he thinks he's so smart! Dwain will be informed that Danny has retired. Dwain will think about doing that too.
Fourth prediction: Brad Wall will be stunned when the Sigma Survey results show that he has been defeated in the polls by Justin Bieber.
"I thought I was the most popular guy in Saskatchewan, next to that Durant guy after a home game win," Wall will say.
Justin will ask for a more comfortable chair and a better microphone with a reverb set up in the legislative assembly. Paint ball battles will replace question period.
Fifth prediction: Dwain Lingenfelter will issue a press release two days following the poll that will lambaste "the Bieber government" for not solving the provincial surgery wait list dilemma."
Justin will send 167 screaming 11 and 12-year-old girls to Dwain's office to negotiate the next health care bill. It probably won't go well. Psychic Norm's not so sure about this one.
Sixth prediction: A group of investors will state for the sixth consecutive year that they are planning to field an Ottawa-based football team in the CFL next year. CFL owners will yawn again.
Seventh prediction: An orchestrated move to dissolve the Canadian Senate as part of the Harper government's "tough on crime" edict will fail, as expected.
Eighth prediction: Somebody will complain about snow removal and garbage pickup in Estevan.
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