Were you like me, dear diary, when it came to not knowing Canada had a secret electronic spy agency?
I knew we had RCMP who did some clandestine things. And I knew about our oxymoronic Canadian Intelligence Services or that CSIS thing. But until a couple of weeks ago, I didn't know about CSEC (Communications Security Establishment Canada). First of all, who the heck makes up those names?
John Forster is in charge.
For some reason, we were supposed to be up in arms last week when that Snowden guy's sabotaged e-mail, spy thingy stuff revealed that CSEC allowed the American National Security Agency (NSA) to tap into the communications of those bigwigs attending the G20 summit when it was held in Toronto a couple of years ago.
I don't know about you, but I just assumed that this would be done. I've watched enough of those Jimmy Bond movies to know that this is what is expected of any self-respecting spy guy or gal.
Forster said that CSEC does not target Canadians or those who are in Canada. Right, John. We also know spies lie for a paycheque. So approving a request from the NSA to do the job, strikes me as CSEC just being too lazy to do the job.
CSEC is just there to "provide support to policymakers," said Johnny, our version of Jimmy Bond. And Roy Rogers was a cowboy, John, so what's the point? That's just policymaker speak for wired rooms isn't it?
CSEC uses a system of algorithmic encryption keys, phone calls, faxes, e-mails, tweets and satellites to keep themselves informed on the comings and goings of foreign visitors, who aren't actually in Canada. They forgot to mention post cards.
Our super spy agency shares its information with the United States, Britain, Australia and New Zealand. Why New Zealand? I have no idea, but check your kiwi fruit for embedded microphones the next time you're in the Co-op.
Now, here's the kicker in this whole semi-sordid, but mostly weird Canadian-styled spy story.
CSEC is soon going to move into new digs in Ottawa. They're checking into bright shiny new office towers that will, no doubt, suddenly raise their profile among the other spy teams.
They found out they had to do this because the old 1950s-type building they were in was in the old part of town, which didn't have enough power supply to allow CSEC to run at more than 60 per cent of their spy capacity.
It seems that when CSEC turned on their super Xbox spy gear, most of the toasters and microwaves in the neighbourhood shorted out, and that made the grandpas in furry slippers down the street, very, very angry. So CSEC, being a good neighbour, ran at 59 per cent capacity. There is an obvious civil service joke right here, but I won't lower myself to that level.
Instead of boosting the power supply though, which would be logical and cost effective for the super spies that aren't really, they decided instead to spend tens of millions of our dollars to construct a new tree fort.
Well, it's a solution. Some guys can't microwave their popcorn when CSEC fires up their 'puters, so they spend money to get a new Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid hideout close to a Tim Hortons.
This is such a Canadian story, I just love it!
I wonder if CSEC and CSIS have secret passwords. Do you think they pledge an oath of allegiance to Stevie Wonder that Harper boy before they have coffee in the morning? It's just too, too exciting!
