Our story so far: On New Year's Day, I went in to the Emergency Room and mentioned that I was having some chest pains. I was immediately swept into the arms of modern medicine.
Part Five
My cardiologist (and hey, only weeks ago I did not even own a cardiologist!) sent me to a hospital that specializes in what is called cardiac catheter testing. This is where they run a tube up through your artery and inject a contrast solution into your heart so they can look at your heart through an x-ray and determine the condition of your various coronary arteries. Basically, it's a peek under the hood. If there's a problem, often they can fix it on the spot.
I arrived at the hospital just before 7AM and the nurse showed up to prep me for the procedure. I won't go into detail about what this involved except to say there was an inordinate amount of shaving. She shaved the hair off my wrist, which I understood, because that was where they expected to insert the tube. And then she shaved my, um, groinal area. I was told this was "Just in case.". It was not a very convincing explanation, but as any mother will tell you, when you go into a hospital you essentially check your dignity at the door.
An hour or so later they wheeled me into the operating room. They gave me a shot to relax me, which was really quite pleasant. Then the doctor froze the area around the artery on the inside of my right wrist. I closed my eyes while he made a small incision, then watched as he began to feed the tube up my arm.
I know it sounds gross to a lot of people, but that's not something you think about when it's happening. You can feel the tube going up your arm, which is a bit uncomfortable. But as much as anything, I was fascinated. They had computer screens above me that showed various views of my heart, thumping away in there like nothing was at all amiss.
"OK, now, I'm going to inject the contrast solution," said the doc. "It's going to feel like you're being warmed from the inside."
"What do you mean, like I'm being war- .... Ohhhh. That's just ... beautiful."
Once he could see where the problem was, the doc set to work. They found the blockage in my right coronary artery. It was 99% blocked. That's not good. At all. That's about one heavy shovelful of snow away from dead, is what that is.
So the doc narrated as he fed a balloon up through my artery, pumped it up to open the blockage, and left behind a wire mesh stent to keep things clear. It took two stents to clear up the blockage, and then after a couple of fairly routine maintenance tweaks to other arteries, he was done.
OK, really. Only ten years ago I would still be on the waiting list for have open heart surgery. If I lived through the wait, I would have gone through a gruelling operation where they would cut my chest open, saw through various ribs, graft piece of artery from my groin to replace or bypass the diseased arteries in my heart, closed me up, and send me home for several months of recovery.
On January 12, I went through an hour of day surgery and was sent home by 5PM.
And now, I'm fixed. From unknowingly being in danger of keeling over dead from lifting my grandson, my heart is in pretty good shape for a guy my age. If I'm smart, I can basically get another 20 or 30 years out of my ticker, maybe even more.
My brother died three years ago January 30th of a massive heart attack. Because of that, I was alert to what was going on and didn't dismiss what I was feeling when the chest pains hit. I went to see people who knew a lot more than me about it. And today, I can pick up my grandson, who is quite a little porker, without worrying it will be the last thing I do.
So, I was feeling pretty smart when the kids came over for brunch the other day. My daughter picked up something off the counter. "What's this?"
"Oh, it's a Medic Alert bracelet. They want me to wear it in case I run into a medical emergency. Tells them I've had this heart thing and that I'm using blood thinners."
"And you're not wearing it because ...?"
"Well ... if just looks kinda ... I don't know ... uncool."
"But being dead? Because you're stupid and vain? That's ... what, cool?"
So, I have the heart. Now, all I need is the brain.
Nils Ling's book "Truths and Half Truths" is a collection of some of his most memorable and hilarious columns. Send a cheque or money order for $25.00 (taxes, postage and handling included) to RR #9, 747 Brackley Point Road, Charlottetown, PE, C1E 1Z3
