The Secret Service in Washington would be advised to leave Barack Obama alone for a day or two and start looking into the story behind the imposter who's wearing No. 8 these days for the Washington Capitals.
Five years ago, you see, the player wearing sweater No. 8 for the Capitals was Alex Ovechkin, the dashing, smiling, fan-friendly, hard-hitting, hard-shooting hockey flash from Russia who, along with Sidney Crosby of the Penguins, was either No. 1 or No. 1A on the superstar list of National Hockey Leaguers.
But he's gone. Disappeared. Somebody must have kidnapped him and replaced him with a lookalike who doesn't seem to be able to score, doesn't dash around at high speed anymore and plays the game like a third-line winger of which there are dozens in the best pro hockey league in the world.
Where's the Ovechkin hockey fans came to know and love five years ago and who in 2008 signed a 13-year contract worth $124 million?
If Ovechkin's stats were a stock market chart, the arrow would be pointing down, down, down. His even-strength goals in the last five years: 37, 37, 25, 25 and one this year through 12 games. Points: 110, 109, 85, 65 and eight. The formerly beloved 'Ovie' had a mere four goals - only one of them even-strength - through the first 25 per cent of this year's season. It's like he's collecting his huge paycheque, putting on the sweater and skates and then floating through the reduced 48-game NHL campaign. Not surprisingly, the Capitals stood dead last - 30th out of 30 - with a mere seven points through 12 games this year.
To be fair, the total blame can't be put on the Imposter's shoulders, but when a team's superstar forward is being paid $124 million over 13 years, management expects more than one even-strength goals to kick off a shortened season, where every loss is magnified by the mere 48 games they will play this year. It expects leadership, but it's not getting that from the guy wearing No. 8.
So the Sid the Kid vs. Ovie battle appears to be over and Crosby, concussions and all, has emerged victorious. Still, if the Secret Service can find out what happened to that No. 8 from 2008, hockey fans would love to know the answer.
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "Yahoo! says JaMarcus Russell dropped 12 pounds and is nearer to making a comeback. In related news, I cut my hair and am closer to dating Anne Hathaway."
Norman Chad of the Washington Post: "I believe that Colin Kaepernick, on his left arm, has tattooed the entire IHOP menu."
Brad Dickson, Omaha World-Herald: "Next season in major league baseball, translators are going to be allowed on the mound for manager-pitcher conferences. We need a different rule: Anyone who gets paid $20 million per year in the U.S. spends $180 of that for a remedial English class."
Dickson again: "At a press conference two days after the Super Bowl, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said New Orleans did a terrific job as host. At least I think that's what he said. As soon as Goodell got to 'terrific,' the power cut out."
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on why Wayne Gretzky is not as great a golfer as he was a hockey player: "The genius of Gretzky was that he took the world's fastest game and slowed it dowwwwn. He can't do that with golf, which is already slower than room service in Hell."
Ostler again: "The line from (NFL commissioner) Roger Goodell's state-of-the-league speech that will have moms sprinting to sign up their little boys for tackle football: 'We'll add a neurosurgeon on the field to our game-day medical resources.' "
Another one from Currie: "Cirque de Soleil announced they've cut 400 jobs. There haven't been so many clowns out of work since the NFL laid off replacement refs."
Currie again: "The San Francisco Public Library is donating newspapers to an animal shelter for potty training puppies. So eventually Niner Chris Culliver's homophobic rant will get the coverage it deserves."
Headline at SportsPickle.com: "Joe Flacco celebrates Super Bowl title with wild night at Applebee's."
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti says the team plans to erect a statue of polarizing linebacker Ray Lewis outside M&T Bank Stadium. Local pigeons can't wait to put a white suit on it."
CBS's David Letterman, on another Super Bowl honour for Ravens coach John Harbaugh: "He was named the game's most valuable Harbaugh."
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "Kristin Cavallari, who is engaged to Jay Cutler, said the Bears QB proposed to her via text message. Well, that ought to do wonders for Cutler's fourth-place finish in the 'most disliked' athlete poll."
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: "Lindsey Vonn wrecked her knee at the World Championships. Will President Obama now think long and hard about allowing his daughters to snow ski?"
From Bianchi's column: "Former Purdue coach Alex Agase on why he never recruited players from California: 'Any kid who would leave that wonderful weather is too dumb to play for us.'"
