Gather round children, it’s time for your Canadian history lesson.
You need to know the true history of our country because, apparently we are about to celebrate birthday party Number 150.
Keep in mind, there will be lots of whoop-de-do about this in Otttawa and Toronto and maybe Kingston. That’s where the birthday cheques will be delivered. But all of us are required to sing Happy Birthday, and pay for the party.
OK, on to the lesson.
Canada was invented by a guy named Ronald MacDonald, who wore big red shoes and often threw up in the Common House. He also made sure other guys built a railroad right across Canada and then paid for it, even though Canada wasn’t really Canada then.
Mr. MacDonald, I understand, also invented the hamburger. His name lives on as the founding father of our nation.
The nicest thing that will happen to Canada at 150 will come from Holland. They are shipping us a whole bunch of beautiful tulips with images of Maple Leafs embedded in them. They are doing that for us, because we couldn’t.
Way back then, even before Pokemon Go, the French and English Canadians had a three-way battle with the Americans at the Battle of Bastille. Nobody won, but some girl said “let them eat cake,” and all hell broke loose. But, in typical Canadian fashion, after a couple of hours of haggling, everyone said they were sorry and went home. That cheesed off the Minister of Defence, Don Cherry who wanted to keep on fighting.
Earl Grey who was a Lord, even though Canada wasn’t supposed to have any of those biggy wiggy titles, invented the tea that was named after him. He also bought a trophy for 30 new Canadian dollars to be presented to the best hockey team in the country. That was later changed to football, although the game wasn’t invented yet.
Same thing for a guy named Stanley, again that Lord thing cropped up. He spent about $50 for his trophy and to this day, it is delivered to a guy named Bettman in New York every summer to give to the best hockey team, which usually isn’t found in Canada. But never mind, let it go guys. We have to be nice about this.
The English, French and Mexicans went at it again on the Plains of Abraham Lincoln. The Mexicans got cold and left early, shouting something about an Alamo.
And again, the English and French resolved nothing because they spoke different languages and only understood the swear words. But they knew from the frowns on the other guys’ faces, they weren’t happy.
Saskatchewan joined the party called Confetti nation in 1905 and Gordie Howe was our first Premier. The third Premier was Ron Lancaster followed by George Reed and then Hugh Campbell. Reed hung around after he was deposed from office. All the others disappeared before Saskatchewan really got messed up.
We now have a Brad as our premier. He said he’ll stick around. We’re not sure about that.
Our prime minister is a guy called Sunny Ways the Sequel and he hasn’t thrown up in the Common House yet, but he did knock a girl down with his elbow, but got away with it because Don Cherry said it wasn’t intentional. So no time out for Sunny Ways.
So, yep, they’ll celebrate Canada at 150 with wild and reckless abandon in Toronto this year, just like they did last year as hosts of the Grey Cup party.
Yes Toronto, you were the hosts. Great job by the way, by all 12 of you who showed up.
Go Canada Go.
