I recently spoke to a large gathering about the value and the road to building community and authentic relationships.
So many of the responses I got were that they wished they had been taught these principles as children so that they could have approached the aspect of community with intention and purpose.
I find that a lot of us were raised in such a way that it was normal for life to just happen to us. You ended up with friends because it just happened, or drifted apart from people in the same way. In my own life I have found extreme value in choosing to pursue friendship and community and want to create that culture in my kids as well.
First we need our kids to know that authentic relationship rarely happens by accident. We need to choose to value people and choose to initiate with people. Often shame (feeling inadequate) or insecurity hold us back from wanting to risk the rejection that is a possibility when we initiate friendship with someone.
It can be scary but it’s vital that we instil in our children a deep sense of worthiness (to be loved and belong) so that they know that rejection never influences their identity. We also need them to know that relationship is worth the risk.
Vulnerability is key to authentic relationships. We need to instil in and model to our kids the ability to show up and be seen for our true selves. Sometimes that will include allowing others to see our messes and imperfections, and other times that will mean allowing people to see what we love and what we’re passionate about. Both scenarios take courage.
A really practical skill to develop as a family is the ability to ask good questions. Asking questions demonstrates value to the other person. It shows you care about the details, that you find them worth knowing more about.
It is astounding to me how many people can be in a 20-minute conversation and not ask one question. If you want to be good at relationship, get good at asking questions.