We’ve reached the tail end of October, and All Hallows’ Eve is upon is. It’s the time of the year for costumes and disguises, the flickering of Jack O’ Lanterns, the excitement of trick-or-treating and all sorts of other spooky chicanery…and candy, of course.
In light of the oncoming inundation of candy, whether its the haul of sweets coming from a session of trick-or-treating or just whatever gets stocked at the workplace, once the post-Halloween candy clearance sales kick in at stores, I have compiled a handy guide to what kinds of candy you’re bound to see. It is based on my childhood experiences as a trick-or-treater and organized into a painstakingly meditated-upon hierarchy for your snacking convenience.
Gold Tier:
Gold-tier Halloween treats are near-mythical in their status. Legend has it there are some people who hand out full-sized candy bars and bags and boxes of Skittles and M&Ms. Other gems in this category include candied apples, homemade fudge, full-sized cans of soda and sometimes, baked goods. A tried and true strategy for finding these is to venture out to where people expect fewer trick-or-treaters.
The sybaritic spoils of the gold tier are what usually result in the heaviest immediate the most intense and voracious gorging, and a nauseating phenomenon the day after ever-so-fondly referred to as the “sugar hangover.”
Silver Tier:
Silver tier is occupied by the smaller, “fun-sized” counterparts of the gold-tier’s vaunted delicacies. Silver tier is the meat and potatoes, so to speak, of Halloween candy. Mainstays like mini chocolate bars, small boxes of Smarties and those convenient two-serving packages of Starburst candy are solid, but common choices that occupy this caste. Jelly beans, and other bite-sized finds combined with some chocolate into small mixed baggies are a bit of a wild card, but add some diversity and breaks in the pattern.
As an added bonus, silver-tier candy usually is the category of Halloween spoils that ends up doing the brunt of the erosion of tooth enamel.
Bronze Tier:
As the candy supply begins to diminish, and the natural choices of the silver tier begin to wane, bronze-tier candy is the stuff that people settle for, when there’s not much else to choose from. While silver-tier candy wears down tooth enamel, it’s the bronze tier candy that probably actually causes the actual cavities.
Bronze tier candy entails anything that isn’t covered in chocolate. It’s not meant to be savoury—just sweet. Treats like those little square-shaped caramels, suckers, tummies, mints, and those little gum balls that are painted to look like Jack O’ Lanterns or eyeballs are the under-appreciated sidekicks of Halloween candy.
Rockets abound in this category, and actually are in a special subcategory of their own. This is because they start out a decent choice, with the first few stacks of them tasting satisfactory. This is not the case as the candy supply continues to wear down, rocket consumption increases, and the inevitable cankers begin to form on one’s tongue.
Utter Disappointment Tier:
This lowest stratum of the hierarchy is occupied by Halloween treats that can wipe the anticipatory smiles off the faces of a vast majority of discerning candy connoisseurs. These include abominations like candy corn, any manner of candy containing black liquorice, and the dreaded Kerr’s molasses kisses.
The latter of these iniquitous finds at the bottom of one’s pillow case (or garbage bag; no judgement here, people), is more of a dried rock of sugar and sadness than an actual type of candy.
Molasses kisses are very inexpensive to produce, and are one of the most economical treats to serve as a Halloween offering, proportionate to the amount you can buy.
Molasses kisses stick to the wax paper in which they are wrapped, and will inevitably stick to your teeth afterwards.
The only thing even remotely close to something as pleasant as a “kiss” you will experience when consuming molasses kisses is the feeling of relief you’ll experience, tossing them into the nearest garbage can. I’m sure there is some ancillary purpose to molasses kisses beyond the futile dichotomy of choking them down and throwing them out. Perhaps if you had enough of them, you could melt them down and use them as insulation or a paperweight.
