I've been in Canada for over seven years. Long time, almost a quarter of my life now.
And I've met a lot of great folks in Saskatchewan and Manitoba, but I can't say I made too many friends.
I'd have thought it's totally on me (I've never been too good at making friends fast and easy, but usually if I did that was something real), but then I hear the same stories from my friends across Canada. I'd have thought it could be an assimilation problem for immigrants, but I heard similar words from Canadians who simply relocate from one province to another.
On the other hand, every so often I hear a kind of irritation coming from long-time Canadian residents because first-generation immigrants often stick together and don't assimilate.
Recently I came across both types of comments on the same day, which made me look at them combined from a different point of view as at two sides of the same coin. And the name of that coin was friendship.
The quick research showed that it wasn't just me thinking that quite often we understand the word "friends" differently, but assume that it's a common point for everybody. It appeared that friendship might vary from place to place.
It seems to be pretty similar everywhere when we are little. Playing together in the sandbox we become best friends in a matter of a few minutes, no matter what country it is. Then going to kindergarten and school, wearing those BFF accessories, having each other's back at first parties and being an alibi for each other. Even at the undergrad level, it continues somewhat similar here as to what I was used to in Russia with just a bigger pinch of independence.
But seems that for those who passed that adulthood line, friendship becomes something very different and has a pretty different level. Out of my experience, it was almost impossible to find friends. But it appeared that a lot of it was lost in translation of the concept.
If put on the scale, what weighs more in Canada – friendship or work? Fortified with family, work seems to take a central place in people's lives. I once asked my Canadian friend, what's better to have, a hundred friends or $100 in a wallet. "Definitely $100," was her answer. Old Russian saying states, rather have a hundred friends than a hundred roubles.
By no means am I trying to say that people in some countries are more worried about money, while citizens of other countries have pure hearts. But I noticed that mentality and cultural differences shape our understanding of friendship, and also define its value.
For some reason (maybe a pretty poor background, when there was no money to focus on), people in the post-Soviet countries including Russia, Kazakhstan, Ukraine, Belarus and probably many others give friendship a greater value. Close friends back home take as much space in life as immediate family.
Friendship there is given a lot of value and attention since childhood. Kids grow up learning to be loyal and reliable friends and also expect the same from others they call friends. Classical Russian literature (I'm guessing it's similar in other post-Soviet countries, but I'm no expert in that) tells stories of strong and sincere friendships. We distinguish between people we know a bit, acquaintances, friends and real friends. So "golf friend" to me sounds like "no-string-attached friend," and would fall under the category of acquaintances. I guess the line lies in how much we get involved with each other's lives.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I noticed here that friends meet and spend a great time together, share thoughts and discuss topics interesting for them, but personal problems remain personal responsibilities of each individual. In Russia, friends are often considered counsellors, guardian angels and those who would always give a hand during hard times. So their problems are usually your problems as well.
So when you realize how different friendship can be, it becomes obvious why expectations often don't meet and people prefer to stick to their cohort, which often might not be the first choice, but at least they know what to expect there.
Besides, finding new friends might be a real challenge if you are not a kid anymore.
I noticed if adults are new to the place and, say, have no kids or don't work or don't consider the Internet as a means of meeting new people, they often reserve to joining various clubs or volunteer. When I was trying to make some friends, that's what I did. But I noticed that even that kind of social activity rarely leads to friendship, as most of the clubs I've seen are very service-focused.
People who join them, already being friends, stay friends. And the newbies remain on the outskirts usually participating in regular fundraisers, but not getting further than that.
It took me quite a few years and a lot of thinking, but I do have a couple of people that I can proudly call friends now (even if it means something different from what I was used to). By no means was it an easy process to find them, and every story was unique with no "right" answer as to how one can make friends.
I'm grateful for the people I met here, and I keep exploring the new meaning of friendship I found here. But one of the lessons I've already learned is that if you are coming to a new culture, be aware that there might be a very different approach to friendship, try to understand it and then enjoy, as friendship in any understanding has positive effects on overall physical and mental health.
