Hockey is a great game to watch on television
But, between periods hockey stuff is excruciatingly difficult to digest.
The most inane segment of the between periods roundup is the interview of the sweating, but overly polite hockey player whose script has been pre-written by control obsessed publicity agents and team media promoters.
These moments are generally the time I reserve for visiting the kitchen or bathroom, but I have been subjected to enough of them over the years to confirm once again, dear diary, they are useless time fillers.
May I now present my alternatives to the pre-determined questions posed to hard-pressed hockey players and coaches who are trapped in the pre-determined obligatory responses?
In fact, I won’t even have to provide the questions, because they are always the same.
But I can provide a sample of alternate answers the players or coaches could try.
For instance: How many times have we heard the player on the team that is two goals down after the first period, say to the interviewer, “we just have to get back to the basics.”
When really, he could be saying: “Naw, I think we should go a little rogue now. Do some things we’ve never tried before, shake things up, just for fun.”
Sample 2.
“We’ve got to keep our feet moving.”
Preferred response: “We should maybe try moving our heads a little.”
Sample 3.
“We gotta go out and give 110 per cent next period.”
Preferred response: “I presume the other team will be out there giving their 110 per cent too, so I guess we gotta give 111.7 per cent. As for me, personally, well, coach only gave me three minutes of ice time last period, so I’ll probably be giving about 94 per cent.”
Sample 4.
“We gotta keep the puck down low and cycle.”
Preferred response: We might keep the puck high and out of reach and hope for the best.
Sample 5.
“Ya, we gotta get that puck off the half-wall.”
Preferred response: “To heck with the half-wall, we wanna get the puck off the three-quarter and one-quarter walls.
Sample 6.
“We have to win more faceoffs.”
Preferred response: “ We should win more faceoffs, or not. It’s just the luck of the draw, ha, ha.”
Sample 7.
“Ya, we gotta win the battles along the boards.”
Preferred response: “If we win the battles along the boards, we’ll probably lose the battles in front of the net or between the blue lines. I guess we just gotta decide.”
Sample 8.
“We gotta generate more offense.”
Preferred response: “We gotta generate more offense, but that will probably come at the expense of defence. I mean we can’t do both, I don’t think. That’s just too hard.”
I believe some honest, unrehearsed responses from players and coaches might drive a few viewers back to the couch and a few more eyeballs to the equally inane commercials that have become Hockey Night in Canada staples.
I don’t want to get started on how bad and boring these commercials get to be either.
And, for a final note, let’s just swing over to football, so I can make my prediction that the Ottawa Two Colours will lose the Grey Cup game to the Calgary Stamps by a score of 38-27. The BMO Stadium in Toronto will be filled to capacity … meaning 23,000 people, including 14,332 actual CFL fans, mostly from Ottawa and Calgary, because Toronto really doesn’t care about the Grey Cup. Toronto’s sophisticates are waiting for their NFL franchise to come along, any day now, and can’t be bothered with that lunch bucket CFL stuff.
Do you agree or disagree dear diary?
