TEACHER: Class, settle down. Thank you, Grade 9s. Well, welcome to your first class of your first semester at DeGrassi. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a teacher who will either be your principal in a couple of years or be completely forgotten about, just yelling “Thank you, class. And you need to read chapters 12 to 14 before Friday!” every time the bell rings. We’ll go through roll call right away and hopefully introducing ourselves will help ease that tension to start. OK, I’m looking down the names of immaculately named characters that display a near-perfect mix of ethnicity and life experience, but I’ll go randomly here and if you could tell us a couple of things about yourself that will break the ice. Acquiesce Persephone?
ACQUIECSE: Here. I’m the rich girl and heir to the Ask Jeeves fortune and I’ve been involved in gang violence, cheerleading, and also the first party of the year will be at my parents’ place. We’ll all be there, and about five or six plotlines for the rest of the year will flow from that.
TEACHER: I can’t wait to see the invitations for this circulating to all the other high schools. Now, the next person on my list is Francesco De Leone.
FRANCESCO: HI, I’m the football team captain, as well as the captain to the Degrassi polo team, jai alai co-captain, the Red Hat Society president, astronomy club president and the team mascot for other sports. I’ll be involved in short and intense relationships will almost all of my classmates, male and female.
TEACHER: OK, good to hear… I’m having issues reading this name. Do we have a G. Root here?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: Ah yes, how could I forget our first ever foliage at the high school? You come highly recommended by your previous teachers. You’ve had quite the history and I’m sure you can’t wait to tell us all about your life.
GROOT: I am Groot.
FRANCESCO (winks): Hi there.
TEACHER: Uh, oh, not until the second half of the season, you two. Pace yourselves. Now, I’ve heard at least three students in here tapping on their cellphones and texting and snapchatting as I’m talking. In most schools that would mean you’d have to give your phone or device to me but we won’t do that here unless there’s an important plot reason.
(strumming guitar noise)
TEACHER: So, this must be Marquelle Artemis. Hello?
MARQUELLE (strums guitar) Yes, I’m Marquelle and I play the guitar everywhere I go. I’ve been here awhile but all I do is play a strummy little guitar bit in between scenes and I generally don’t talk.
TEACHER: We’re running low on tropes, so I’m glad you’re in a bigger role this season. Now, we’ve got someone with a nearly impossible nickname that everyone calls him, even the teachers. Crasher McCracken?
CRASHER: Hi, I’m Crasher. I’ve had a few scrapes in my young life. I’ve been responsible for three car crashes, two unplanned pregnancies, one planned, and my grades are always going to make my presence on the various sports teams touch and go.
FRANCESCO (winks): Hi there.
TEACHER: Season two, Francesco. Welcome to the school, Crasher.
(Student bursts in) STUDENT: There’s a fight in the common area!
TEACHER: Dear me! Are there any knives or guns?
STUDENT: No! (student runs out)
TEACHER: Oh, good. Well, I’m sure that’s going to turn into a thing where the two students will spend time in detention and get to know each other better. If I know this school well, they’ll be high fiving while playing basketball after school tomorrow.
(strummy guitar bit)
(Student bursts in) STUDENT: There’s been a car crash in front of the school!
(CRASHER bursts in) CRASHER: I guess that’s four now…
TEACHER (looks around): How did you even…
(Bell rings)
TEACHER: “Thank you, class. And you need to read chapters 12 to 14 before Friday!”
