Talk about hyper hype. Contrary to America's belief, it is not the most watched television extravaganza in the world. Soccer's big games dwarf it. But I digress.
I didn't tune in to much of the 128 hours of pre-game hyperbole, but I did catch Jennifer Hudson singing America the beautiful. The kids did better. I'm afraid that both Jenny and Alicia Keys, who attempted a funeral version of the national anthem, tried waaaay too hard. They sang beyond their vocal range and it showed. In fact, Alicia forgot to end the anthem and kept yodelling post mortem.
Around 5:28 they kicked off on America's version of the biggest event ever. Nothing. Kick goes through the end zone. That's the NFL's version of an exciting start.
Second play, penalty, so no play.
Third play, run over tackle, no gain. Four seconds of actual activity. Game clock indicates we've watched over a minute of "action."
Next play, pass out-of-bounds. Since NFL allows 40 seconds between plays, we've now apparently seen nearly two minutes of "action." In actuality, we have seen one official four second play.
Baltimore excites me when punt returner Jones decides to actually run instead of calling for the usual NFL "fair catch," which again means no meaningful activity other than watching 21 pudgy guys running around and then holding up, out of breath and looking for some sideline minion to squirt water in their mouths. Apparently they don't know how to do that.
At the 11:44 mark on the game clock, I observe a second exciting play.
During the commercial breaks, seeing as how Canadians aren't allowed to watch the clever new ads and I don't use YouTube to stream nothing ... I watch an old classic, Auntie Mame, and Big Bang reruns.
Both teams deploy the no huddle offence, but they still take almost a minute to run each play. The QB's call, recall, check-off, recirculate around the backfield, recall and yell. The centre eventually releases his hold on the ball.
I decide to stick around to see Beyonce. Baltimore leads 7-0. Pitta is catching for the Ravens and somebody (I heard it as Potty) is blocking for the 49ers. It turns out the guy's name is Uipatta. But I like my version better. Pitta versus Potty, I'm begging for entertainment.
Another exciting play ... I'm fully invested. I read during the old Ford and FedEx commercials. Then spot a new commercial, it's bad. I miss a Kaepernick interception but it's OK, they have four replays of it in slow motion while waiting for the next real play.
Old boys club takes over at half-time. Too boring. Peanut butter and jam time for me. Ray Rice takes a break too. He's run the ball three times ... he's a tired multi-millionaire.
Fake field goal ... that's better. A guy named MacBeth makes a tackle. Hamlet arrives late and takes a penalty. (I made up the Hamlet part). Ray Lewis is yelling ... again. Seven more time outs.
Beyonce arrives. She dances a lot, sings a little, great light and flash show. She's working harder than any of the footballers and has better legs.
Suggs makes a tackle. Ngata gets a penalty. More time outs. Approaching the two hour mark in the game, 6 minutes and 18 seconds of actual football.
Lights go out after kick off return for exciting TD. And here's the NFL's official response to the media regarding the 34 minute delay: "We will have more information as it becomes available." 'Nuff said.
Hey, at least the end was dramatic, but really, when do the CFL camps get underway?
