The over-the-top "we know what is good for you" public morals agencies are at it again.
It seems that Santa Claus is now the subject of their critiques.
Those who deem what is proper have dictated that images of Santa shall no longer include Santa clutching one of his well known props ... the smoking pipe.
No word yet on what they are dictating for that snowman Frosty with his corncob variety utensil, but I can expect, it's out of the annual Christmas festivity images and references too.
So now that line in the song will be something like: "With a hum hum hum and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal ..."
The anti-smoking lobbyists have been successful in seeing to it that there be no future references to Santa holding, or heaven forbid, smoking a pipe!
So for the sake of all that is good about Christmas, shall we also submit that while we're at it ... we best get Santa off those dangerous rooftops ... unless, of course, he is buckled in with universal standard safety belt and harness, supported by proper scaffolding and if he expects to go down any chimney, he best have his nostrils and mouth covered by a safety mask and filter.
If he is on the rooftop, be aware Mr. and Mrs. Homeowner that if that roof has a slope greater than 33 degrees, it must have a railing. Please install prior to Santa's arrival. The best time is probably while you're hanging those festive Christmas lights ... proper voltage and environmentally friendly please.
Naturally, Santa will have to come equipped with studded boots that will, of course, be steel toed.
And that suit? Please ... it's the right colour, but it must include the proper reflective crosses on the back and front, and also be the fire retardant variety.
As for those reindeer, dear Mr. Claus ... I'm afraid your activities are bordering on animal abuse let alone subject to all types of air and ground traffic safety bylaws. I'm afraid those reindeer have to go Claus. Donder and Blitzen are being replaced by Volt and Prius and I have no idea where you can plug them in between stops.
As for hours of work legislation? I submit those hard-working elves as exhibit No. 1, and we'll move on from that point.
Naturally, Santa's presence in the home will constitute an official break and enter ... a clear violation. And if he takes the milk and cookies ... add theft. And don't think he can compromise by pointing out that he's about to leave presents in exchange for the dairy and bakery products. You trigger that alarm, Old Chubby and you're into another whole new world of hurt. Besides, how do we know where you got those presents you claim you're going to leave?
And while we're at it, do something about your diet, will ya? We need the new, improved gentrified Santa. We need a Santa who will remind us to recycle that fancy wrapping paper or he can just forget the whole thing. After all, dear Santa, you're nothing but a fantasy conjured up by Coca-Cola, department stores and vocalists who need to bolster their cash flow.
I don't know why I'm getting all worked up over Santa so soon. We haven't even had Halloween blown by us yet. I'm way too far ahead on my rants this season.
