Just a few days before Christmas, my oldest boy went to his first school dance. In addition to being a major steppingstone in his life (He had a date and he’s only in Grade 6! She’s a year older! It’s one of the principal’s daughters!), the event was a reminder of the things that provide joy in our lives, the newness of love and the innocence of the first steps towards that.
I’m not with his mom anymore. While I have two great kids with his mom, the water that’s under the bridge there could fill an ocean. I’m extremely happy he hasn’t been so disillusioned by his mom and I not being together that he’s taking these tender steps into what I’m sure feels natural to him.
As I drove them here from Moose Jaw, my mind went back in time to a more recent moment when I met the best friend I’ve had New Years Eve last year. Her and I clicked that night like I have with no other. It seemed natural, progressing through the year as we learned more and more about each other, becoming as close as I have with no one.
It wasn’t easy all the time. As we got closer, she sometimes pulled away, inexplicably to me. The more I tried to bring her into my life the more it seemed like she didn’t want to be part of it. The newness of the separation and the feelings associated were still too raw.
As sad as that was, I steeled myself into thinking that if she’s not ready now, she’ll be ready soon enough. We would grow closer and then pull apart until May when I applied for and was offered the position here. We were at a good point in our relationship here and although I knew she’d never move here, she did everything to help me out here. We loaded her truck a couple of weeks after I started here with her old furniture, a used couch and dressers and filled the apartment here as a piecemeal ‘home’.
She did everything she could to help out, as is her nature. I have her old towels and bed linens, a TV stand, pillow sheets, a chair… all from her. She prayed for me and helped me re-find Jesus. Many of these things I couldn’t have gotten on my own and I’d have been a totally lost soul without her and our hours long FaceTime chats in the first couple of months.
She met my parents, met the best friends in my life, met most of the people I currently work with when she visited here. I went to visit her good friend in Watrous. Our kids played together and more than one morning this past summer when she didn’t have her kids, I came to work directly after a two and a half hour drive from her place. Our lives seemed to be too intertwined to possibly unravel.
But the distance was always too much. It felt like every time I went away to work here, she pulled further away. She started telling me to let her go in the old romantic way and start seeing other women and that she was fine with that. None of the other women really worked out. No matter how hard I tried to re-open my heart to give to someone she already had it.
It came to the point a few days before Christmas, when I was desperate to talk to her about anything that she said we should find other friends. That our past complicated the future we would have had as friends and that I was still in love with her. All of this was true.
And I thought about this as I drove the kids here to spend Christmas with me. About my oldest boy’s first slow dance taking place right then just as my heart was once again breaking. If he can see the things that have gone on in my life and still not look towards relationships with a jaundiced eye, maybe I eventually can too.
If I had one piece of advice to give him it would be this: don’t ever get to the point where you don’t feel taking a chance on new love was worth it.
