Separation and divorce can be a very painful and stressful event in the life of a family. But it can also be a welcome relief after months, and sometimes years, of conflict between the parents. This time of adjustment after a divorce can also be painful and stressful as each person in the family may need to adjust to a new identity.
Children are innocent victims of their parent's divorce and need special attention. When children are dealing with their parent's divorce they often feel alone and helpless. The children may feel scared, sad, guilty and confused. They may hide their feelings from their parents because they are worried about the happiness of the parent or because they do not know how to express their feelings appropriately. Older children may 'act out' their emotions at home or at school. Behavioral problems may arise. Younger children may regress to former behaviors such as bed wetting or sucking their fingers.
Children of all ages often blame themselves for their parent's separation. They feel that perhaps they were the cause of their parent's divorce - Children feel they were "not good enough." Children need to hear that divorce is an adult problem and not their problem. The children had nothing to do with the separation and they could not prevent it from happening.
Listening to the children is one way we can help them. Encourage the children to share their feelings. Providing reassuring and honest answers to the children's questions will aid them in the healing process. Remind the children that all families have some problems, but they will always be loved by both parents even if the parents are living in separate homes.
Children often find themselves in a new family relationship as mom or dad are living with a new partner. This can be very be very difficult for children. Their home life has been disrupted and now they have a new parent figure and maybe some new siblings in their family.
Grandparents can be stable role models during a separation and divorce. They are often called upon to help with caring for the grandchildren. Grandparents also are experiencing many emotions at this time as they watch what is happening to their child and grandchildren.
For a parent, it is normal to feel uncertain about how to give the children the right support through the divorce or separation. Support groups can be of great help to the family. They offer a safe place for parents and children to express their emotions. These support groups are often located in schools and churches within our community.
The children need to be reminded over and over that they still have the same parents and they are loved by both parents. Everyone in the circle of care of these children can reassure the children that they are loved by God no matter what has happened in their family. God is near to the broken hearted.
Margaret Anne Yost nursed for 35 years. Returning back to school I completed classes from the Red River College in the areas of Gerontology, Bereavement, Death and Dying. For twelve years I worked in bereavement support at a Funeral Home.
I was employed as Parish Worker at a Lutheran Church. At present I am enjoying my role as homemaker, wife, mother and grandmother.
