This spring our grandchildren experienced the death of both of their paternal grandparents. Their grandma died first and within a month their grandpa also died. Our grandchildren are all under six years of age, and we all were concerned how they would deal with these deaths. Grandparents often play important roles in life of their grandchildren.
Their parents are in that sandwich generation, were they are helping to care for aging parents as well as trying to parent young children. The parents are also grieving and so it is often very difficult for parents to console while they are grieving.
How does one deal with young children at a time of loss? The best thing to do is to be honest with the children and encourage their questions. This can be hard because you may you feel you do not have all of the answers, but it is okay to tell a child you do not have the answers. It is important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness. Tell the child that there's no one right or wrong way to feel.
Share any spiritual beliefs you have about death and explain the meaning of the mourning rituals that you and your family will observe. A child's capacity to understand death - and your approach to discussing it - will vary according to the child's age. Answer questions at the child's level of understanding. Each child's grief is unique and no two children will grieve in the same way. Young children have a short attention span - so they will cry one moment and be playing and laughing the next.
Until children are about five or six years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.
Most children by age three or four have seen dead birds and insects so they have some knowledge of death already. Children this young often have a hard time understanding that people and living things eventually die, and that it is final and they won't come back; so even after you've explained this, children may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.
Avoid using any euphemisms, such as telling children that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young children think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.
People have asked me, "Is it alright to take children to funerals?" That is a question you will have to answer yourself, as you know your children the best and you will make the right decision. Ask the children if they would like to attend and then carry out their wishes if possible. Our grandchildren attended the evening prayers as well as the funeral and the grave side rituals. Explanations of what will happen at each event will relieve many anxieties your young children may have.
If a child is old enough to love, they are also old enough to grieve.
Margaret Anne Yost nursed for 35 years, working mostly on medical floors. She has journeyed with many clients who were dying, and she tried to comfort their families during this difficult time. She has completed two units of Clinical Pastoral Education.
Returning back to school she completed classes from the Red River College in the areas of Gerontology, Bereavement, Death and Dying. She was enrolled eight years in lay ministry training. At present, she enjoys her role at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Yorkton in the area of parish work. For the past ten years she has also been employed at Bailey's Funeral Home working in the area of Continuing Care.
Comments and articles may be forwarded by mail to: Margaret Anne Yost, P.0. Box 554 Melville, Sask. S0A 2P0
Or phone 1-306-621-9877 (9 am-5 pm) or at home 1-306-728-4744 (evenings).
