June is the time for graduations. This would be a time for celebrations and remembrances of by gone school days as well as looking ahead to secondary education and into the world of adulthood.
As we have experienced in the past, this can also be a time of great heartache, pain and grief. Within our area we have seen accidents and illness which have turned graduation plans from joy to heartache. It may have been your child, grandchild, neighbour, peer or your friend that has died around graduation. Deaths are always difficult but when it is the death of a child/youth you may feel their entire future was ahead of them, and they were robbed of their hopes and dreams. When a student dies, the graduation ceremony takes on a different tone.
Each person is affected differently by death. You may feel shock, denial, regret, guilt, blame, rage, anger and the list goes on. You may be searching for answers. Why did this accident have to happen? Why did my child have to die? You may draw strength from your faith, but many times your faith is also put to the test. There may be times you may also be angry with God.
When parents lose a child, they have lost part of themselves. No two parents will grieve the same way. Often the death of a child is very trying on a marriage. Communication is vital. It is very difficult to comfort someone when you yourself are in great pain. Each partner may expect too much and receive too little. This unfortunate combination can create a temporary breakdown in the relationship, but it can be avoided if each accepts the other just as they are with few expectations- just the knowledge that both are hurting very much.
One of the most difficult roles for a mother or a father whose child dies is to continue to parent the surviving children. Parents must continue to function in the very role they are grieving. This is enormously difficult yet it is important not to allow your other children to feel alone. Parents must use all their reserved emotions and powers to care and comfort their other children. In doing this you will be continuously changing roles from comforting to being comforted. Parents need to be gentle on themselves over the next weeks and months and for some, years.
Parents need to remain realistic and optimistic. You will be changed but you will survive. Your feelings of emptiness will remain but the pain in the heart will diminish as you learn to live with your loss. As each holiday, birthday, anniversary comes along, you will gain strength and hope for each tomorrow.
People in the community want to be of support to you but are at a loss of what you need. You may have to reach out and make the first move. Let others know what you need during this difficult time. I invite you to join a support group in your community. At these support groups you will meet other parents who have also lost a child and who will understand your needs.
Margaret Anne Yost nursed for 35 years, working mostly on medical floors. She has journeyed with many clients who were dying, and she tried to comfort their families during this difficult time. She has completed two units of Clinical Pastoral Education.
Returning back to school she completed classes from the Red River College in the areas of Gerontology, Bereavement, Death and Dying. She was enrolled eight years in lay ministry training. At present, she enjoys her role at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Yorkton in the area of parish work. For the past ten years she has also been employed at Bailey's Funeral Home working in the area of Continuing Care.
Comments and articles may be forwarded by mail to: Margaret Anne Yost, P.0. Box 554 Melville, Sask. S0A 2P0
Or phone 1-306-621-9877 (9 am-5 pm) or at home 1-306-728-4744 (evenings).
