He can see her picture but he cannot see her face. His calls go unanswered. He shows up at school only to find her not there. He attends support groups, has undertaken court battles, sent emails, cards, letters... all to no avail.
He's the victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and nobody seems to understand his plight.
Divorce rates are soaring these days but not all divorces are alike.
Mike married his high school sweetheart after 10 years of dating, they were together for 20 years all told.
"We actually lead an awesome life, travelling the world with our careers. She was a model, and I was a musician. We ended up buying our first perfect little home where we had our daughter in June of 2000."
But that's where the fairy tale drew to a close. Soon after the birth of their first child Mike says his wife's personality changed dramatically.
"I tried to repair the marriage suggesting counseling as well as trying to communicate but nothing worked..."
And then came the break up.
"Ever since, I've been dealing with a person I don't even faintly recognize anymore... it's been a steady decline of civility and anything resembling co-parenting..."
"My daughter is very confused right now, and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been through some horrific things, that have broken many a father, but it's never been this bad," he says adding, his wife has broken off all contact between he and his daughter.
These are the actions of a parent out of control, and cases like mine are the stuff of devastating newspaper head-lines that we read about related to horrific divorces. It's crystal clear to me that the mother will now do anything to not let our child see her father. And I fear, ANYTHING."
Mike says he shows up at school on his visiting days only to find his ex-wife has taken his daughter out early. He calls, he has set her up an email account, but he says his ex-wife intervenes at every bend.
"All contact between my daughter and I has been severed... The mother has changed her phone number and has successfully alienated our daughter from any contact with her father.
"My daughter believes I'm mad at her and thus should be afraid of me, on her mother's advice... my daughter has been lied to repeatedly, cries at the sight of me. Enough so that it would be a cause for concern if it weren't so convoluted an issue... my daughter is completely brain-washed against me, and not just me. No one that the mother deems unacceptable is allowed to talk to my daughter, and that means none of my family, none of her family, no old friends, etc. It's as if the mother is truly trying to erase her past..."
In spite of repeated attempts at communication and ongoing costly court struggles Mike has yet to make progress with his situation.
"Most fathers walk away, or simply have to walk away or rather suffer doing something they'd regret. It's so much simpler to do so, and oh so very tempting at times... I basically tuck my tail between my legs, walk out a loser and pay the money they tell me to, or go to jail. This system does not work!... My situation is a textbook example of the perfect crime."
PAS is a particularly tough issue suggests Mike, "because the ousted parent can't just talk to the child like they'd need to, to fix the issue... I'm now dealing with this matter by taking my complaints to whoever will listen. The entire school board is now deeply involved...
"Losing your child is absolutely the worst possible nightmare imaginable as a parent. Death might seem easier to deal with, as it's painful but over. This never ends. I'm no better ahead, after all that I've been through...
"I wake up every morning with an aching pit in my stomach because of how wrong this is.
"I've got family and friends that I've lost because of this. Somehow, at first, when all of this was happening and with all the false allegations floating around, they decided I was somehow causing what I'm going through, deciding it simpler to not know me. It's happened. In fact, for a while, I was honestly not a pleasure to be around. I was sad, lonely, pathetic and a victim of something even I didn't understand, let alone be able to discuss.
"I'd lost my completely paid for house, my family, my livelihood, my pride and about to have my stellar finances take a complete dive. My life as I knew it was ruined. Luckily, my daughter's love helped me through it.
"I'm an amazing parent. I do everything with my daughter; sing, dance, play, go exploring, biking, roller blading, ice-skating, know all her friends, play games, enjoy learning, talking, listening, watching movies, etc. There's nothing we didn't enjoy doing, before all of this..."
Is it all lost forever?
Expert Advice
Author and recognized expert on the topic of Parental Alienation Dr. Richard Warshak, says there is hope.
Internationally renowned keynote speaker, authority on divorce and the psychology of alienated children, media guest expert, and clinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, Dr. Warshak has consulted at the White House, written two books, and more than 45 professional articles.
Dr. Warshak recently took the time to share some insight in a telephone interview with The News Review.
Q. What is Parental Alienation?
A. Really it can be understood in two different ways, either to the child who is alienated or estranged from the parent, or it can refer to the behaviour of a parent who is engaging in behaviour that could bring about the child's estrangement.
Q. How prevalent is Parental Alienation in today's society?
A. There are no good studies that allow us to be precise about how many children suffer from this but we do know from extrapolating from studies involving children in high conflict divorces that there are probably about a quarter of a million children who have been subject to parents bad mouthing each other... it tends to undermine the child's affection for the other parent. It's a wide spread problem.
Q. Why is it not acknowledged by the courts and society as a whole?
A. I have a long list of where it's been acknowledged by the courts. I think what's accurate is that people dispute what is the best label for the problem. There are also people who are very concerned by the mere idea that a child (regardless of age) can be manipulated by one parent to turn against the other parent and that this can be used in court to quickly dismiss claims by a parent that the other parent is harming the children... There's a lot of controversy about how it's used in court.
Q. What about the frustrated parents who are being alienated and don't feel they are being heard?
A. They would certainly like to raise awareness of this in society. Very often if a parent is rejected by the children then people assume that the parent must have done something really horrible to deserve such shabby treatment. Parents on the receiving ends of this, the victims of parental alienation, want the general public to know it doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad parent because the kids are resisting contact with them and refusing to have a relationship with them.
From that point of view, parents want the public and courts to understand that you can't always take what a child says at face value and that a child may have complaints about a parent that really aren't valid. The problem in court is it's very expensive for the parent to go to court to show the evidence needed to educate the court. It takes a lot of money and a lot of time and the more time that goes on the more likely the problem is to get worse.
Q. What are effects on the child and the alienated parent?
A. The parent is bereaved much the same way a parent is when a child is abducted and they have no way of knowing whether they will ever see their child again. Most parents describe this as a gut wrenching pain.
Some say it's worse than the death of a child because the child may be living down the block and they never get to see them. They can't really grieve the loss of the child because they don't know if things will ever work out.
From the child's point of view, they lose a parent. We know from a lot of research on child development, that children who grow up with a conflicted relationship with a parent, are at risk for being unhappy, for having problems in their own relationships if they don't work out the conflicts. There is also research that shows when children grow up rejecting a parent irrationally, when they begin to mature they become very angry about what's been done to them. They feel betrayed by the parent who exploited them in order to kind of enlist them as allies in a war against the other parent.
They feel the rejected parent should have worked harder to win back their affection and they're perplexed that the adults in their life allowed them to make a decision to disown a parent when they clearly lacked the maturity to understand what they were doing.
Q. What can be done to put an end to parental alienation?
A. I think part of it is what you're doing which is to try to educate the public and the courts.
From the courts perspective it's important to try to get on these cases very early in order to prevent the problem from becoming more en--trenched. Part of that is for the courts to understand the importance of responding very quickly where you have a situation where the child is refusing contact with a parent.
The court needs to do a very careful investigation to understand the reasons for the rejection. In some cases the child really is better being apart from a parent and in other cases it's harmful to the child.
In cases where it's determined by the court it's in the child's best interest to spend time with the rejected parent it's important the court enforce any orders it makes for contact. It's not enough to have a court order in place if the court doesn't find a way to enforce it when one of the parents doesn't comply.
Q. Is there a high success rate in resolving difficulties in these types of cases?
A. There is a good success rate in our program (called Family Bridges) but our program works with families in which the court has really understood the nature of the problem and has set in place a structure that really gives children the opportunity to repair the damaged relationship.
When the proper court orders are in place, we have a program that really helps children to adjust to a situation where they're being expected to live with a parent they claim to hate or fear... We've had a lot of success because basically the children really do want to repair these relationships. They've never stopped loving the parent. They just feel obligated to complain about that parent. In some cases they feel they need to do that in order to please one parent by showing their loyalty to that parent and turning against the other parent.
But the children we work with tell us that they never really wanted to be taken seriously, they never expected to be taken seriously. They would far prefer to have a relationship with both parents than to lose a parent. By the time they get so far down the line, they don't know how to get out of the situation and that's where the court can help by taking the burden off the child of having to choose between parents and telling the child that you WILL repair this relationship. You are expected to do so, and you will have help to do so.
Q. What advice would you give to a parent who has been alienated?
A. Never give up. Be proactive in responding to children's complaints. Try to help them appreciate that they don't have to choose sides and try to make use of the materials that are available to help children understand the value of maintaining a good relationship with both parents.
Q. What can a parent who has lost all contact with their child do?
A. One of the keys is to see if you can find someone who will serve as a bridge between the child and the estranged parent. It may be a relative, someone who is in contact with the child. Because if you don't have contact then how is the child ever going to be able to change their image of you?
The other thing is, when children grow up, those who do reconcile with a parent they had rejected say that what helped them do that is that they knew the parent had never stopped loving them and had never given up on the possibility of reconciliation. The children knew in their hearts when they reached out to the other parent, the parent would receive them well. So it's important to try to get those messages across to the children to tell them you haven't stopped thinking about them, you haven't stopped loving them. That involves sending birthday cards, cards on holidays... some parents are using websites and facebook to record their memories, happier memories, with the hope the children may see them and be reminded of the better years.
* Editor's Note. There is help available in Canada for those living with PAS. Dr. Warshak says there are psychologists trained with the Family Bridges program, which is available in many Canadian locations. Learn more about this, and about Parental Alienation, by visiting: www.warshak.com.
