It’s getting to the time of year with many family gatherings. Christmas is usually when families get together, but sometimes a New Year’s celebration could be with family as well. I recall such a New Year’s celebration told to me by a very close and good friend.
His family was full of pranksters and therefore many family parties had been ruined in the past. However, my friend’s brother dared to arrange a New Year’s celebration for family and friends, and the invitations that went out begged everybody to behave themselves and forego the usual tendency to perpetrate a prank. The invitations also asked the invitees to leave all the gadgets at home, such as whoopee cushions, fake nude butt cheeks, fake teeth, plastic dog poo, fake spilled nail polish, chattering dentures, etc.
Just the immediate family members, including grandpa, were sitting around the table for the scrumptious dinner; the other guests would arrive for coffee and drinks a bit later. Grandpa had a reputation for having been a ladies’ man in his bachelor days, and now as a widower he apparently was trying to revive that reputation, although due to the shape he was in, he was not very successful. Grandpa had enjoyed a few drinks too many before supper as well as too many glasses of wine while munching on his food, making him rather tipsy. That combined with his poor eyesight, a speech impediment and a hearing disability, made him a disaster just waiting to happen.
After dinner everybody retired to the living room for coffee and perhaps a cognac or a highball drink. Grandpa was placed in a comfy recliner chair and started to nod off, while the others engaged in lively conversations. A few more guests were showing up, and a variety of snacks were served to the newcomers, including candied apples. At least that was what everybody thought they were, but the sweet young daughter of the house had done a switcheroo, and caramelized some onions, put a stick in them and made them look like candied apples. Surprise! Surprise! The host was no better, as he squirted a couple of drops of red food colouring into each drink that he prepared, making it look like they had drops of blood in them, and serving them with a big fake “bloodied” bandage on his hand!
The party continued with more guests arriving. During the evening, a handsome looking man knocked on the door and was greeted warmly although no one knew who he was. The daughter of the house grabbed his hand and led him to the kitchen where the drinks were. She poured him a drink and he sat there happily, chatting away for a couple of hours while enjoying his drinks before a female guest cozied up to him and inquired if he was married.
Then a strange light dawned on his face. “You know,” he confided to the female guest, “I’m married, and I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over here to tell you guys that some of your partiers’ cars are blocking my car.”
“Where is your wife?” she asked. “Oops! My wife is sitting out there for hours now in our vehicle waiting for me to get the other cars moved!”
His brother’s youngest son had rigged up the toilet in the bathroom with a tiny but powerful Bose speaker placed behind the toilet bowl. A pressure switch that activated a tape recorder was placed under the toilet seat. As somebody sat on the toilet seat it would start a continuous tape and a voice would bellow: “Oh no! Please don’t fart!”
A beautiful young woman had gone into the bathroom to do her business and sat on the toilet seat. When she heard the voice booming under her butt she screamed, flung open the bathroom door and came running out in a rush while rearranging her clothes, screaming bloody murder on the top of her lungs! Everybody clapped and laughed at the poor girl, but the contraption was immediately dismantled by an angry host.
The commotion woke up grandpa, who was given a cognac to settle his nerves. Just then a young man arrived with a life-sized fully inflated latex mannequin who was all dressed up in a formal gown. Everybody smirked as he announced that he had brought a special date for grandpa, and then proceeded to place her next to the fireplace resting her elbow on the mantle. Grandpa grinned and squinted his eyes to try and get a better look. He couldn’t help himself, so he decided to check out this siren. He casually arose from the chair, hiked up his pants, padded down the few strands of grayish hair on his head and ambled over to stand next to her. He leered alluringly at her and then pursed his lips and winked, but he got no reaction. He tried one of his old pick-up lines on her, but she didn’t respond to that either, and as he leaned over to whisper in her ear, a spark from the fire hit her in the butt which made a popping sound and the air hissed loudly out of her and made her fly out of the open window! Grandpa just stood there totally perplexed with a stunned look on his face, and when asked what had just happened, all he could say was that he had whispered a few words in her ear, whereupon she farted in his face and escaped through the window! In fact she blew him off!
