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Pardon the Pun

By Kaare Askildt Formerly known as The Farmer in Training

I once met this interesting Englishman who introduced himself as Seymour Butts. “You must be joking!” I exclaimed.

“No, unfortunately not! But I have been considering a name change!” he replied.

I suggested that he change both his first and his last name. “Seymour Smith just won’t do it!” I said, “As people might take it that you want to show them more of yourself!”

“How about Ben Dover?” he asked and that’s when I knew he was joking.

He changed his name to Joseph Smith. He met up with a beautiful lady and invited me to their wedding. It was a very emotional affair. The cake was in tiers! His bride reminded me of Snow White, which again reminded me about the Seven Dwarfs that had signed up for college as they were all geology minors.

We are getting closer to Christmas, and I realized that time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana! When I lived in Edmonton I met up with a chap with the name of Cody, who unfortunately lost his CD, so I ended up just calling him OY!

He got mad at me and wanted to punch me, so I reminded him of what his mother must have told him, not to hit a man with glasses, so he used a fly swatter instead! I fought back the best I could, but he said I was average. That’s just mean! A good friend of mine was an Edmonton police detective. He told me once that they had an illustrator at a crime scene, but the details were a bit sketchy!

A few years ago when we were still farming, we had a lot of livestock, but I really got a kick out of a donkey! (Didn’t get it? My wife didn’t either!) The donkey had paired up with one of the horses, a really negative horse that was such a neigh-sayer! We also raised some beef cattle that we slaughtered when we needed more meat. The cost of meat was going up, and we learned that the butcher we used didn’t gamble when the steaks were too high!

Our son Justin went fishing in the Assiniboine River, and came home with a huge Northern Pike. When asked how he called it to the spot he was fishing, he replied that he merely dropped it a line.

            My wife strongly suggested to Justin that he should get a haircut, so he booked an appointment with a local stylist, who accidentally gave him a buzz cut. Justin said that it was a really hairy experience!

I treated Justin to lunch at the local burger joint, and I stole all his french fries because he just couldn’t ketchup! Later on Justin went camping with his friends; they set up camp way into the boreal forest and were having a really good time until a bear broke into their campsite, it was really “in tents!”

The bear got one of the guys and tore off his whole left side, he’s all right now. One of the other camping members got hit in the head with a can of soda during the bear skirmish. He was lucky it was a soft drink! One of the other campers had some coins in his hands when the bear broke into the camp. He got so startled that he swallowed all the coins. They rushed him to the hospital, and when they checked on him about an hour later, the nurse told them that there was no change yet.

A good friend of mine used to be a banker, but then he just lost interest. He is now a proof reader for a local publisher. He was proof reading a book about anti-gravity, but he found it impossible to put down. His publisher is deaf, so he is finding out that his knowledge of sign language comes in very handy.

A couple of carpenters were building a boat. One of the carpenters really nailed it, but the other one screwed everything up. When I asked them what they were doing, I was told that they were building an ark to save two of each animal species. I told them that I noah guy that is an expert boat builder. My older brother is not a religious person, and when I asked him why, he told me that atheism is a non-prophet organization. He went on to tell me that atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

A good friend of mine had been operating a successful bakery for many years, but it burned to the ground last week, so now his business is toast! One of the firemen was really athletic, and a budding track star. He used to have a fear of hurdles, but he got over it!

And finally, I could not pass up this little tidbit. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey and Belgian waffles rather than a Danish. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good and the waffles were not too Sweden, but there is Norway I could eat another bite.'

A Swedish truck driver got stuck at the entrance to a tunnel in Norway. A Norwegian came by and saw that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the tunnel ceiling. The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires. The Swede glared at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top!"