A report on adult children caring for their aging parents examined the differences between daughters and sons. One woman said she was the living embodiment of the reality that daughters tend to spend more time providing personal care and completing household tasks for their parents. She expressed frustration that her brother simply wasn’t stepping up to help and felt it had to do with maturity. “He’ll never grow up,” she complained.
I was waiting for a surgical procedure several years ago when things got quite delayed at the hospital. There was some confusion as to who was taking charge in an effort to speed things up. My doctor smiled at me and joked, "I guess as soon as we find a grown-up, we can get things rolling."
We all have a sense of what it means to grow up, but the steps getting there have certainly changed generationally. Becoming a grown-up is part of the maturing process we are all expected to go through. As we emerge through childhood and adolescence, it is hoped we will embrace new opportunities and responsibilities as we transition into the role of being an adult. But exactly when do we become adults, and how? Are there things we need to do that actually usher us into adulthood — or have others see us as adults?
There is pushback against some of the traditional benchmarks formerly associated with being an adult — independence, financial responsibility, marriage, even taking care of basic needs like cooking or laundry. But there remains confusion over why there seems to be such a breakdown in a willingness to become self-sufficient. Campuses, libraries, churches and recreation centres have stepped in to offer classes on skills deemed necessary for someone entering adulthood — everything from cleaning and budgeting to time management.
One series of classes teaches students how to sew on a button, understand modern art, talk to people and tell someone you love them. Another set focuses on nutrition plans, bike safety and gift giving. The growing catalogue of books on the subject shows there’s a strong market for those wanting to learn how to be an adult.
The transitions between adult milestones are moving much more slowly than in the past. There’s not the same eagerness to get a driver’s licence, start a career or sign a lease. Ride-share options, the rising costs of vehicles and maintenance, and the gig economy all play a role. As for leases, hesitancy comes from financial instability, uncertainty about plans, and the perceived inflexibility of agreements.
If it’s taking longer for young people to achieve adulthood, does that mean it’s tougher growing up today than in the past? Or have we collectively dropped the ball in setting expectations — or passing along basic skills? It isn’t just that they haven’t learned to hang a picture or unclog a drain. There’s something more going on here.
If those in this prolonged adolescence aren’t ready, or interested, in becoming adults, we should be asking what’s causing the reluctance. Maybe the focus should shift back to us. How are we making adulthood look?
We can’t expect a younger generation to embrace marriage if we don’t show them we cherish ours. We shouldn’t wonder why they can’t manage money if we haven’t demonstrated how to live within our means. If they constantly hear complaints about our careers, bosses or management, why would they want to follow in similar paths? If we don’t speak well and respectfully of government, why would we expect them to get involved? And if we’ve been too preoccupied — or kept them too busy with activities to spend time together in the kitchen, garage or laundry room — that’s on us, not them.
But beyond that are the examples we set in our interactions with others. Are there grown-ups in the stands at sporting events? Behind the wheel when traffic gets bad or a smartphone beeps? In the room when talking politics?
Of course there are — but far too often, they get drowned out by behaviour that’s decidedly less than mature. If we want to create grown-ups, we need to be the grown-ups. That’s my outlook.
The commentaries offered on SaskToday.ca are intended to provide thought-provoking material for our readers. The opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of SaskToday.ca staff.
