By Max Himsl
As we have seen, there is a high degree of regimentation at Art Farm IV, with a rigid command structure and a devotion to duty that seems almost religious or militaristic in its’ efficiency.
Every aspect of the operation is planned in the minutest detail and every aspect has a “minister” in charge of implementation.
This week let us turn our skeptical eye on Tina Hudson and Chris Borshowa, each charged with lulling the gullible public into a satisfied and comfortable euphoria through the use of excellent music and delicious food!
In spite of the rigid obedience that the Art Farm IV board members typically display, there are occasional disagreements that arise, where consensus must be found. The meeting of the board for matters of food and entertainment was just such an occasion.
Charged with the task of arranging to feed five thousand people is Tina Hudson. A self-described dirty, hairy biker — she cuts an imposing figure wherever she goes.
Many are the citizens of this fair city that have found themselves leaping for safety as Tina, dressed for the part in a light sun dress and floppy straw hat, sweeps past on her “sporty” red cruiser bicycle with bell ringing and a bouquet of flowers in the wicker basket.
How they trembled in fear that she might stop to explain how to recycle toilette paper, again. However, it is Tina’s avowed mission to feed Art Farm IV participants only food that is locally grown without pesticides or antibiotics, that is fat, gluten and peanut free and that is produced only from ethical, humane, free range non-profit vegetable farms. Other board members look puzzled and at last the Chairman asks the obvious question: “What does that leave? Dirt?”
Tina brightens. “Yes! Loam is just awesome when it’s cold and there is nothing on Earth to compare to a sand smoothly.”
The board errupts in a cacophony of derision but Tina outshouts them all. “Do you realize that when you eat a tomato you are eating the unborn children of a mother tomato plant? It’s a crime against nature!”
After a very long debate, she at last accepts that a cup of quinoa and tofu is not what people want, not even with a free crystal and a kitten. At press time the menu had not been finalized, with debate slowly tilting in favor of wieners-and-beans over macaroni-and-cheese, but Tina had retired to a quiet corner and began planning a memorial for the murdered bean-babies.
On the other hand, Christopher is a pure, smooth entertainment professional. There is no hint of flakiness or peculiar personality quirks about this Versace-suited agent for some of the biggest names in the music business.
Chris has had an especially hard time finding talent big enough for the main Art Farm IV sound stage, but this is because of the particular needs of Art Farm IV, not for lack of connections.
The Rolling Stones were ready to sign on but were worried by the prospect of a record setting crowd. Similarly, Mister Borshowa had contacted Drake but had to eliminate him as a potential performer when it was discovered he could not perform a credible cover of the Bird Dance.
“Talentless hack,” Chris muttered of the famed Torontonian. Other board members, in sympathy for Chris’s overwhelming burden try to offer helpful suggestions, but Mr Borshowa’s cool is visibly evaporating. “Maybe the Osmonds would reunite for a show,” suggests one.
“How about no band,” says another? “We could just have a sock hop. I have a collection of Zamfir the Lonely Shepherd and Roger Whittaker records we could use.”
Borshowa checks his Rolex and stands abruptly, smoothing his rumpled hair and checking his phone impulsively. “Look, I’ve got a group of guys, just breaking out, on a European tour right now. I’ll get ‘em here, maybe bring along a few other, I dunno, maybe I can still get Private Drive. I’ll call.”
He sweeps out the door and into his chauffer driven Rolls and is whisked away into the night.
The Chairman buries her face in her hands. “Oh brother. I hate flighty artist types.”
ArtFarm IV will be held June 11 from 1 to 8 p.m. Admission is a toonie, with ages six and under free. It is located at the van der Breggen farm, located south on Highway 35, west on TWP080 south at white barn. Van rides will be available from the mall.
