Almost guaranteed to happen in 2013:
January - Donald Fehr and Gary Bettman meet on Jan. 20 for a rock-paper-scissors game to determine the most despised hockey personality.
February - The Super Bowl is staged in New Orleans and Seattle Seahawks shock the sporting world by beating Denver Broncos.
March - Major League Baseball teams get ready for the 2013 season, with the new-look Toronto Blue Jays making plans to print playoff tickets for October and the Chicago Cubs doing the same for October, 2029.
April: Fourteen-year-old Tianlang Guan of China tees off as the youngest player in Masters history, and is voted by the media to be the least likely to shoot his age.
May: Rory McIlroy pops the question to Caroline Wozniacki and after she says yes, he asks one more: Do you think we can beat out Kate Middleton for most magazine cover photos?
June: The NHL season is supposed to conclude with the crowning of the Stanley Cup, but instead, fans gather to present the Toilet Bowl to co-winners Bettman and Fehr.
July: Wimbledon fans are rooting for Wozniacki to claim the women's title, which would give McIlwoz (or is it Wozilroy?) a mini grand-slam after McIlroy's victory at last month's U.S. Open.
August: Winnipeg Blue Bombers win their fourth straight game in their brand new Investors Field and plans for new stadiums in cities full of envious fans start to pop up all over Western Canada.
September: The National Football League kicks off, with headline-grabber Tim Tebow back in the news again: For what team will he be third-string quarterback this year?
October: Toronto Blue Jays announce their starting pitching rotation for the World Series - R.A. Dickey, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle and Ricky Romero (with Brandon Morrow waiting in the wings) - and the National League champion Atlanta Braves make a forfeiture request to Commissioner Bud Selig.
November: Lance Armstrong calls another press conference to insist he's innocent.
December: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman calls a press conference to gloat about the first sellout - in Tampa Bay no less - since the NHL finally resumed play in November. "We knew the fans would come back," he said. "We're not worried about those lower-than-normal average crowds of 7,200 in Toronto and 4,350 in Calgary." The sellout in Tampa Bay, meanwhile, came as a result of a Tim Tebow autographed football giveaway to the first 17,000 fans.
Brad Dickson of the Omaha World-Herald: "Chicago Bears receiver Brandon Marshall claims NFL players are using Viagra to get an edge. After hearing this, Lance Armstrong leapt off the sofa shouting, "Viagra! I knew I missed one drug."
Steve Simmons of Sunmedia on Twitter: "Mayans offer a correction via press release. They didn't predict the end of the world, just the end of of the National Hockey League."
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald: A high-school girls' basketball team, Bloomington South of Indiana, won a game, 107-2. Yes, one-hundred and seven to two. If coach Larry Winters also teaches at the school, I'm guessing what he teaches isn't sportsmanship.
One more from Dickson: "Alex Rodriguez just underwent hip surgery. Doctors advised him to take it easy and not exert himself. They told him, "Just pretend it's the playoffs."
NBC's Jay Leno, saying Manny Pacquiao getting knocked out was no big deal: "Passing out face-first in Vegas - who hasn't done that, really?"
Baseball blogger Michael Powell in the New York Times: "The Mets now have pulled off a perverse daily double, in consecutive seasons dumping the N.L. batting champion, Jose Reyes, and the Cy Young Award winner, R.A. Dickey. God help a Mets player if he wins the most valuable player award this season. That player should immediately call a transcontinental moving company."
Len Berman of ThatsSports.com, on 2012: "So to recap, the last year in New York sports was highlighted by R.A. Dickey, Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin. In other words, going, going, gone."
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "Fans at this year's Famous Idaho Potato Bowl in Boise got quite a postgame treat: Complimentary spuds tossed into the stands. Just be thankful the game wasn't sponsored by Brunswick bowling balls."
Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, after a Glendale, Ariz., church invoked Luke 18:27 to offer hope to the hapless Cardinals: "That's fine, but do they know about Seahawks 58:0?"
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "An unhappy Tim Tebow says he doesn't understand why the Jets traded for him last March. That makes about 2,000,001 of us."
R.J. Currie of sportsdeke.com: "The Packers' Mason Crosby missed two field goals against Chicago (in a mid-December game), giving him misses in eight straight games and an average below 60 per cent. There's one Crosby who was dreaming of a wide Christmas."
