A sampling of the best quips and quotes from the world of sports from the first six months of 2011:
Ottawa's Sean McIndoe, in the DownGoesBrown blog in the New York Times, talking about his observations of HBO's 24/7, featuring the Washington Capitals and Pittsburgh Penguins in the leadup to the outdoor Winter Classic: "Sidney Crosby travels with an entourage of three people with tasers whose only job is to immediately shock him if he starts to do or say anything interesting."
RJ Currie, on the New York Islanders placing goalie Rick DiPietro on injured reserve: "He's suffering from a sore knee and a swollen save percentage.''
Last Monday marked the 123rd anniversary of the patent on the paper drinking straw. "It was," said comedy writer Jerry Perisho, "the biggest breakthrough in sucking history, until the L.A. Clippers."
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle: "Qatar law prohibits the public consumption of alcohol. So the 2022 World Cup will be like a Miss America contest without girls."
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix: "The San Jose Sharks have added Ben Eager and Kyle Wellwood to their lineup. It's nice to see the Sharks loading up for their playoff collapse."
Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, after Lions running back Kevin Smith denied tweeting that he wanted to play for the Dolphins: "Good thing, too, before the league fines him for tampering with himself."
Marty Burtwell, predicting the first thing Jhonattan Vegas, the surprise winner at the Bob Hope Desert Classic golf tournament, will purchase with his prize money: "Spellcheck for his parents.''
RJ Currie, after the Yankees signed former Expo and 2005 AL Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon to a minor league contract: "I hear Bartolo is half the pitcher he used to be. Does that make him a semi-Colon?''
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. Apparently the fans saw a white guy with a bad haircut and just assumed it was Steve Nash."
Currie, after Cathy-Overton Clapham won the Manitoba women's curling championship, setting up a Feb. 23 grudge match at the Scotties with her former skip, Jennifer Jones: "It's going to be colder on that ice than a chat with my ex-wife."
An average audience of 647,000 people watched Cathy Overton-Clapham defeat Jennifer Jones in the biggest grudge game in Scotties' curling history. By comparison, the Edmonton-Colorado NHL game that night drew an average of 492,000 viewers. Said Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix: "This proves definitively there is a place for fighting in curling."
Reggie Hayes of the Fort Wayne (Ind.) News-Sentinel, after Bradley fired men's basketball coach Jim Les: "So now it must be said: Jim Les is gym-less."
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "Lou Piniella has signed on with the San Francisco Giants as a special assistant. No word on his exact duties yet, but manager Bruce Bochy hopes to use him as a designated dirt kicker."
Scott Ostler had this take on the same subject: "With Lou Piniella as a Giants special assistant, expect to see increased distance on Bruce Bochy's base-flinging."
Ex-Washington Times columnist Dan Daly, via Twitter, on Andy Pettitte's retirement: "Would have happened sooner, but it took a while to cross all the T's."
NBC's Jay Leno, on Charlie Sheen giving an anti-drug talk to the UCLA baseball team last week: "This week, they're bringing in Lindsay Lohan to talk about stealing bases."
Mike Bianchi in the Orlando Sentinel: "True story: Joe Montana's son is transferring to Montana. Warren Moon better hope this doesn't start a trend."
Jim Barach: "A basket from half court in a contest won an 11-year-old Georgia boy free pizza for a year. How bad is it that the only way to to get kids on a basketball court is to dangle some junk food at them?"
Scott Ostler, on Yankee Derek Jeter's new 20,000 square-foot mansion: "It's actually smaller than Yankee Stadium, although it has more bathrooms. And fewer Steinbrenners."
Blogger Chad Picasner, after Yankees icon Yogi Berra tripped over a rug in the team's spring-training clubhouse: "Hank Steinbrenner immediately fired the carpet."
Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon StarPhoenix: "Saskatchewan's Brier drought is so long the province's representative next year will wear blue sweaters with a white maple leaf on the front."
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: "Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski says he almost left in 2004 to coach the LA Lakers. It was a choice between coaching immature, spoiled whiners or the kids at Duke."
Vancouver comedian Torben Rolfsen, about Barry Bonds's perjury trial: "Bonds's legal team outnumbers the government's 13-5, and has a payroll higher than the Pittsburgh Pirates."
TC Chong, on seven New York State workers winning the state's Mega Million lottery's $319-million jackpot: "Looks like the lucky winners can finally afford a pair of Yankees season tickets."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Hall of Fame QB Terry Bradshaw says he feels the effects from his concussions he got playing football. Not only that, but Terry went on to say he feels the effects of his concussions he got from playing football."
Perisho again: Atlanta Braves infielder Chipper Jones turned 39 on Sunday. His mom invited his best friends Skippy and Freckles over for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk."
Currie again, after UFC president Dana White said he never imagined Toronto would be such a mixed martial arts hotbed: "Not sure why. It's the home of the Maple Leafs and the Raptors; locals enjoy seeing someone take a beating."
Currie, on Archarcharch being retired to stud after he fractured a leg during the Kentucky Derby: "Sure beats the heck out of my disability insurance."
All fouled up: No. 1 draft pick Cam Newton, 22, to Yahoo! Sports, on speculation surrounding the NFL lockout: "It's like a case of curiosity killed the duck."
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel, on the popularity of the NBA's Miami Heat: "Cheering for the Heat is like cheering for the hunter who killed Bambi's mother."
Alex Kaseberg: "Shaquille O'Neal announced his retirement on Twitter. Technology has come a long way since Brett Favre announced his first retirement via Western Union telegraph."
Norman Chad, syndicated columnist: "Over the last generation, waiting for the Pirates to win has been like waiting for a toxic dump site to sprout tulips."
