You're John Tavares and you're an eight-year-old hockey phenom in Ontario. You're playing above your age group and still dominating.
You're John Tavares and now you're 14 and people in your camp successfully petition the Ontario Hockey League to waive its age rules and allow you to be eligible for selection in the priority draft under an "exceptional talent" clause.
You're John Tavares and things go perfectly according to plan, dominating the OHL, scoring 45 goals as a 15-year-old and going on to break Peter Lee's career OHL record with 215 over four seasons.
You're John Tavares and after a decade of hype about being one of the best Canadian hockey talents to come along since Gretzky, Lemieux and Crosby, you're the No. 1 pick in the NHL and sign with the New York Islanders.
You're John Tavares, a regular with the Islanders and in your first two seasons . . . well, you may as well be in the witness protection program.
Has John Tavares fallen off the face of the earth? Is he still playing hockey?
Of course he is. This is his third year in the NHL and it's easy to get lost or ignored while playing for the Islanders, who are No. 3 in the Greater New York area and among the league's bottom feeders for the past 20 years or so. The Islanders' last playoff series victory was in 1992-93. They've missed the playoffs 17 times in the previous 22 years.
Despite 24 and 29 goals in his first two seasons, Tavares's hockey profile has faded. So much so that when an ESPN writer recently featured "the top 25 NHL players under the age of 25," the name of John Tavares was nowhere to be found.
Which is ridiculous, of course. Tavares has been around the top 10 scorers in the league all year and is on pace for a 34-goal, 83-point season. Pretty nice numbers. At the age of 21, he's the fifth-highest scorer among those 25 and under in the NHL. But Patrik Berglund, Bryan Little and Sergei Kostitsyn are better than Tavares, according to the so-called sage from ESPN, who should perhaps stick to football or basketball analysis and leave hockey to people who know. Such as almost any Canadian, for instance.
As a matter of fact, you are John Tavares and you are on the cusp of becoming an NHL superstar. But then again, we've known that since you were eight years old.
Norman Chad of the Washington Post, on three stars of the New England Patriots: "The quarterback (Tom Brady) is married to a supermodel. The wide receiver (Wes Welker) is engaged to a former Miss Hooters International. The tight end (Rob Gronkowski) hangs out with an adult film star. I guess that's why they're called "skill positions."
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho: "The Super Bowl champion New York Giants enjoyed a ticker tape parade down Broadway in New York City. A terrible traffic jam occurred when Eli Manning's helmet couldn't make it between buildings."
Perisho again: "Former NFL rushing champ Ricky Williams says he is retiring. In other words, they asked him to pee in a cup again."
Comedy writer Jim Barach: "Michael Vick was named the most disliked athlete by fans, with Tiger Woods coming in second. It makes a big difference if you were harmful to dogs, or just ended up in the doghouse."
Mike Bianchi, Orlando Sentinel: "I'm not saying Madonna is getting old, but she appears to have had so much work done on her face that she should have opened up the Super Bowl Halftime Show with 'Like a Surgeon.'"
Headline at TheOnion.com: "Landon Donovan inks $2-per-goal deal with grandparents."
Blogger Bill Littlejohn: "The most valuable athletes in North America Peyton Manning and Sidney Crosby, neck and neck."
Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times: "Big Hurt Beer, named for ex-White Sox slugger Frank Thomas, will be on tap at U.S. Cellular Field this season. In a related story, the Giants had to mothball plans for Bonds Balco Brew because they can't get a big enough head on it."
Comedian Argus Hamilton, after commissioner Roger Goodell said that the NFL's revenue-sharing among teams amounts to socialism: "He's right. However, 600 guys splitting up $10 billion isn't exactly the way Karl Marx diagramed the play on the chalkboard."
TNT's Conan O'Brien, after supermodel Gisele Bundchen asked people to pray for her husband to win the Super Bowl: "In response, God said, 'You know what, I think I've done enough for Tom Brady.' "
Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle: "Phil Jackson has written another book. Which makes sense. You can't point out all of Kobe Bryant's faults in one book."
Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com: "Tim Tebow led the Broncos to some miraculous wins. Jeremy Lin, a devout Christian, had an incredible week for the Knicks. In MLB, teams are thinking about sending their scouts into churches."
Littlejohn again, with a Super Bowl cheap shot: "Wes Welker has been asked to throw the switch that drops the ball at Times Square next New Year's Eve."
