I'm checking out some career options in case this newspaper thing doesn't work out. And I think I've come up with the perfect idea. I'm going to go into TV production. I've got my eyes on the fast paced world of reality programming.
It's big stuff, reality programming. The flagship show, of course, is the series "Survivor", which has been going for 22 seasons. A bunch of people are stranded on a desert island or a jungle or a Wal-Mart parking lot and we're able to watch how they live and behave until, in the end, we're fervently hoping they'll all be left there to die.
Then came "Big Brother", where a completely different bunch of people are locked in a specially built house with hidden cameras and we're all witnesses as their daily interactions become more and more dysfunctional. We're transfixed with horror as they begin to act more and more like ... a family.
In the end, we wish they could be taken to that desert island and fed to the survivors. Imagine the ratings for that show!
This trend towards real life all started with shows like Real TV, which proved to us that no personal tragedy was too great or petty to be recorded on inferior equipment by rank amateurs. Most of the segments were videos shot by people with apparently undiagnosed nervous disorders who just happened to be there as little Timmy floats by in the clutches of a swollen, rushing river.
They would love to throw little Timmy a line, but all they have is the extension cord for their camera, and after all, you can get big money for shots of people actually being sucked into sewers. So poor little Timmy is lost ... but on the bright side, he'll get good ratings. And the advertisers are happy.
Then came the show "Cops", which went a step further, taking us out on the beat with real police officers. As much as anything, this show is a powerful antidote for anyone with romantic ideas about a career in law enforcement:
"Yes, you too can drive around all night until you're called to break up round 227 of the fight between Lennie and Elma about which one gets to sit in the barcalounger while they watch bowling in their trailer. " Oh, please, where do I enlist?
Of course, this is an American cop show, where there's a chance either Lennie or Elma or both will have handguns or assault rifles. I've been coming up with ideas for a couple of pilots that have a more Canadian flair to them.
Here's the opening segment for a show I'm calling "Canadian Cops": We open on a wide shot of a city street. It looks like any city street in Canada - shops, cars parked along the curb, pedestrians waiting for the "Walk" signal.
The camera pans and ... wait. Right there. Zoom in on a sign: "No Parking - Loading Zone". And - pan down - underneath the sign, clear as day, a sinister looking white Ford Taurus. Dramatic music, then a voiceover: "He thought he could park just any old where ... until he came face to face with ... Canadian Cops!!!"
Once our audience has acquired a taste for this kind of hard-edged reality, it's only a short step to "Canadian Survivor". We'll send a dozen or so people to Toronto, and every week we'll tune in to see them vote one off to Hamilton.
Can you see the tearful departure? "But .. but ... I don't want to go to Hamilton!"
"I'm sorry, dear ... nobody does .. but the council has spoken." And the gavel falls.
Reality, Canadian style. Finally, a chance to see that we, as a people, can live lives that are every bit as idiotic, banal, and pointless as those of any people anywhere in the world.
Kinda makes you feel all warm, and fuzzy, and patriotic, huh?
Really.
